Robert Jenrick? Robert… Jenrick?! They can’t be serious, surely?

Like a murderer returning to the scene of their crime, I have found myself — temporarily, at least — drawn into following the Conservative leadership contest, morbidly fascinated by the state of the corpse, scanning for any twitches of life.

It’s a pretty dismal spectacle so far.

Part of the problem is that the whole production is taking so interminably long, testing the patience of even the keenest political nerds, and leaving the Tories unable to engage with the new government. Forcing Rishi Sunak to respond to Rachel Reeves’ budget is obviously absurd, but one of the delights — if that’s the right word — of the Conservative Party at the moment is that obvious absurdity won’t stop it.

Which brings me neatly back to Robert Jenrick, who topped the MPs’ ballot on Wednesday.

There are a number of potential reasons for this: MPs are voting for their mates; MPs are voting for candidates who’ve promised them a job; an outbreak of Ergot poisoning on the Parliamentary estate.

It is traditional, I suppose, for the eventual winner to not come first in the first ballot. But I presumed Kemi Badenoch would walk it. The weakest candidate coming top is a surprise.

Privately educated? Yes. Multi-millionaire? Sure thing. A chequered ministerial record? Of course.

Policies are irrelevant at this stage, so can be set aside. There will be a period of four or five years to generate a policy programme. 

Right now, it is, essentially, about vibes. So let us analyse Jenrick’s vibes. 

Privately educated? Yes. Multi-millionaire? Sure thing. A chequered ministerial record? Of course. Charmless? Oh, Devil, yes. A bit of a gimp? Yup. As a friend of mine, the type of person the Conservatives need to give them a chance, put it, “Jenrick equals the Tories out of power for a generation. Smooth, untrustworthy archetypal Tory twit.” [He may not in fact have said “twit” — Ed.]

After David Cameron and George Osborne, after Boris Johnson, after Liz Truss and Rishi Sunak – to respond to the predicament with Robert Jenrick would be a truly extraordinary thing to do. 

Of course, part of it is driven by the Johnson cultism that has gripped some elements of the Tory party. In that, I feel like a man whose fever has broken, pacing along the hospital corridors, passing beds full of sweat-drenched patients still thrashing around. “Nurse, more diazepam for Ms Dorries! Mr Campbell Bannerman requires his sheets changing again.” 

But why would anyone, including Robert Jenrick, believe that the general public would take a shine to Robert Jenrick? His own belief that he is a suitable candidate for Tory leader reveals how poor his judgement must be.

Even more worryingly, there is a hint of Trumpism about his presentation. Jenrick is open about his support for — and admiration of — the former President: a position shared by only a small minority of the British electorate. There is no appetite for fringe Republican politics here, and no reason to believe such an approach would resonate.

Whilst Jenrick is “learning” from the Republicans, Labour’s response to him will be drawn straight from across the Atlantic. They will paint Jenrick as weird. Strange. And it will stick. Because he is.

Ordering the painting over of murals at a centre for unaccompanied children — a very odd use of ministerial power — and his inconsistent position on Nigel Farage hint towards the difficulties he’d create. Imagine Jenrick rocking up in Oldham or Rotherham, and trying to talk to people. It would make William Hague’s trip to the Notting Hill carnival look like a PR masterclass.

Of course, the Tories in opposition have a history of choosing totally unsuitable leaders. In 1997, Ken Clarke would have been much more popular. In 2001, a rehabilitated Michael Portillo could have given Blair a run for his money.

Perhaps it’s an Opposition thing. Labour is often similarly determined to elect the unelectable. Ed Miliband instead of his brother David. Jeremy Corbyn (anyone would have been better than Jeremy Corbyn).

But the Conservatives have no room for such indulgences. Their position is dramatically weaker than in the late 90s. They’ve fallen to 121 MPs — and there is no reason why that number won’t be further reduced if they balls it up yet again.

Getting their next leader right, therefore, is crucial. Kemi Badenoch seems to have engaged with the sheer magnitude of the Conservatives’ problems, and is refreshingly uninterested in bromides. She would, in my opinion, be the choice for a Tory party that cared about winning the next election.

James Cleverly is quite a normal blokey-bloke, though he is a very familiar face, closely associated with an ignominious period. Tom Tugendhat also seems fairly normal, quite a jolly chap, and not somebody the average punter would instantly despise. 

Mel Stride… Well, I find it hard to remember anything about him, really. If the Tory party strategy were to try and make the country forget it exists, he’d be the ideal appointment.

But Robert Jenrick? Please, God, no.