From the Desk of Lord Kronsteen

It has come to my attention that there is once again a certain amount of interest in the activities of Critic sketchwriter Robert Hutton, who is under investigation by the Standards Committee of the Union of Sketchwriters, Satirists and Yahoos (SCUSSY) over completely legitimate gifts received in the course of his daily japing.

Readers will doubtless be aware that, following the “Cash-for-Quips” scandal of the 1990s, in which it emerged that a small number of humourists had managed to make a living out of writing jokes, political satire has been subject to a tight system of regulation, with gagmeisters required to declare all relevant gifts and donations. Over the weekend, the irresponsible gutter muckrakers of the Sunday Times published a deeply irresponsible report into Hutton’s relationship with a younger colleague known to all of us simply as “Oiky Ben”.

It has been suggested by some that Oiky Ben is a member of The Critic’s staff, pumping out “hot takes” on the nature of modern Conservatism and attacks on Rory Stewart from a hide-out somewhere in Eastern Europe. But following an extensive shredding operation, I can confirm that although Oiky Ben is often seen at Critic events, he is simply an enthusiastic supporter of the magazine’s mission of taking Britain back to a more civilised age of gentlemen wearing hats and motor cars having running boards.

In particular, Oiky Ben has taken it upon himself to support Hutton in some of his more unusual workplace requirements. For instance, he often nips out to Waitrose to stock up on tubes of Pringles and cans of IPA. Readers will be aware that Hutton has long been one of Britain’s most threatened sketchwriters, requiring round-the-clock protection from editors demanding to know if he will ever file his copy, and Oiky Ben has taken it upon himself to hire a squad of retired Spetsnaz officers to keep such questions at bay.

All of this is, as I say, the kind of quite normal thing that any friend would do for another. Hutton might toss Oiky Ben a book he’s finished reading, and Oiky Ben might rent a five-storey house in Belgravia from which Hutton could work. Who keeps track of such things?

Far too much has been made of Ben’s habit of referring to Hutton by an affectionate nickname. After all, what could be more normal than one adult man calling another, to whom he is not related, “Daddy”? I assure you, such things happened all the time in the gulags where I spent my adolescence.

Then there is the matter of Oiky Ben’s so-called “conviction”. It is a sad thing when simply pleading guilty to fraud and going to jail is enough to see someone treated as a criminal. Which of us, after all, can honestly say we have not offered money laundering advice to undercover FBI agents? If a youthful mistake like that is enough to stop someone being able to buy things for a friend, then our public life will be a great deal poorer. Parts of it, anyway.

All these episodes have been used to cause trouble for Hutton, who was already being investigated by SCUSSY over completely baseless claims around a few million quid that accidentally ended up in one of his Swiss bank accounts.

As Hutton explained in a heartfelt and frank statement from his lawyers, these gifts were received at a time when he wasn’t working in sketchwriting. Indeed, I’m told by the editor of The Critic, whose name I have already forgotten, that even now it would be a stretch to describe Hutton’s output as the result of “work”. It is certainly ridiculous to suggest that he might be motivated to make jokes by giving him money. We’ve tried that for several years, and it has made no discernible difference at all.

Hutton assures me he is quite confident that SCUSSY will clear him of all charges, which is why he hasn’t wanted to waste their time by answering any of their questions. In the meantime he and Oiky Ben are filling their days by moving between their residences and issuing legal threats. Nothing could be more in the spirit with which I bought this magazine.

Yours in complete contempt,
Lord Kronsteen
Kronsteen Krazy Krypto Inc
Grand Kayman

(Dictated and signed in his absence)