Give all the islands back
Long live Sir Keir, Defender of the Brave New Left and Scourge of All Gammons
This article is taken from the February 2025 issue of The Critic. To get the full magazine why not subscribe? Right now we’re offering five issues for just £10.
In order to spot a far-right thug, you need to look out for the following: white skin, shaved head, Union Jack tattoo, and a tendency to call for independent inquiries into mass child sexual abuse scandals.
That’s why it’s such a relief that our prime minister, Keir Starmer has spotted the early warning signs and called out those politicians who — as Starmer put it — are jumping “on a bandwagon of the far-right” by demanding an inquiry into grooming gangs. The government needs to focus on the things that really matter, like how to deal with Elon Musk being mean on the internet.
Since he won the prime-ministership, Starmer has not put a foot wrong. He has turbocharged the national decolonisation effort by offering to give the Chagos islands back to Mauritius, and even managed to negotiate a deal whereby we could rent it back for a mere £8.9 billion. We can definitely afford that since he valiantly cut winter fuel allowance for the kind of people who voted Brexit.
The fact that Donald Trump has intervened to try to prevent Starmer’s scheme just proves how progressive it actually is. Besides, the Chagos deal didn’t go far enough. As evil empire-builders, the British ought to be giving all their islands away as a form of reparations to ethnic minority countries such as India or Africa.
Those colonial islands all have such offensive names anyway. There’s the Isle of Man (patriarchal), the Isle of Wight (racist), Ascension Island (phallic), the British Virgin Islands (slut-shaming), South Sandwich Islands (fat-shaming) and Orkney (not even a proper word).
Starmer’s low approval ratings are a reliable indicator that he’s on the right track
Starmer understands that the British public are not to be trusted. Many of them are working-class and ill-informed because they can’t afford the Guardian.
The fact that Starmer’s approval ratings are so low is therefore a reliable indicator that he’s on the right track. The great thing about our first-past-the-post system of democracy is that you don’t have to be popular to win an election. And it also means we don’t have to worry about the likes of Nigel Farage.
Long live Sir Keir, Defender of the Brave New Left and Scourge of All Gammons.
