Almost-Happy New Keir! The prime minister struggles to convey emotion, but he certainly seemed upbeat on Monday morning. We had gathered in a hospital in Epsom, on the edge of London, to hear how he was planning to make 2025 the year of Saving The National Health Service. This, perhaps more than any other area of policy, is the one that will determine whether he wins the next election. It is of crucial importance to pretty much every voter: any of our lives might depend upon the speed of our diagnosis and treatment. So you could understand why the press wanted to ask about Elon Musk.

For those of you returning to the news after a blessed break, I should explain that the richest man in the world spent Christmas continuing his very public meltdown. The latest episode has involved him learning about various UK grooming gangs from Tommy Robinson, a source so reliable that he can’t even get his own name right. Musk’s seasonal transatlantic emissions included calls for King Charles to dissolve parliament and demands that both Keir Starmer and Home Office minister Jess Phillips be jailed. At the time of writing he was running an online poll on whether the USA should invade the UK.

Starmer insisted on referring to Musk’s website as “Twitter” — he knows how to hit a man where it hurts

Reading that, you will quite reasonably observe that to take Musk’s views on Britain seriously, someone would have to be a complete moron and utterly lacking in anything even approaching good judgement. At which point I would introduce you to the Conservative Party. Allowing its policy to be set by a South African who is quite open about his use of the horse tranquiliser ketamine, His Majesty’s Loyal Opposition has over the last few days called for a public inquiry into child sex abuse, a subject in which it had shown not a shred of previous interest. 

Have these calls been less credible because they were led by Chris Philp, who was a Home Office minister as recently as July, and didn’t see the need for an inquiry then? Were they further undermined by demands that ministers release data they had in fact published two months ago? You can judge for yourself. 

Before we got to the great Musk-off, Starmer made a speech about his NHS plans. Behind him stood a group of nurses. To his right, nodding furiously and clapping at appropriate moments, was the Health Secretary, Wes Streeting. He looked, as ever, like an advertisement for extremely expensive plastic surgery. He’s 41 years old, in a high-stress occupation, and there isn’t a single line on his forehead. That American millionaire who’s trying to live for ever by drinking the blood of teenagers should simply study whatever it is that Streeting is doing.

The speech was a mix of praise for health workers and warnings that the NHS must reform, featuring promises of convenient appointments, enhanced apps and artificial intelligence-enabled stethoscopes. The first couple of journalist questions acknowledged that there had been some words about health policy, but then we got onto the stuff we were really interested in. What did the prime minister think about the proposed US invasion of Britain? “I don’t really have any comment,” he said, which wasn’t quite a promise to fight on the beaches.

OK, but what about Musk’s accusation that Starmer and Phillips were covering up abuse in an effort to get votes? Suddenly, we got an answer. Child abuse was “utterly sickening,” he began. Victims had been “completely let down by perverse ideas about community relations or by the idea that institutions must be protected above all else.” As for his own work as Director of Public Prosecutions, he was proud of it. “That record is not secret. It’s all it’s there for all of you or everybody to see.” 

There had, he pointed out, been a number of inquiries whose recommendations had yet to be implemented. “This doesn’t need more consultation, it doesn’t need more research, it just needs action.”

But he had more to say. “Those that are spreading lies and misinformation as far and as wide as possible, they’re not interested in victims. They’re interested in themselves. Those who are cheerleading Tommy Robinson are not interested in justice. They’re supporting a man who went to prison for nearly collapsing a grooming case.” This is, it should be noted, the position of Nigel Farage. Though — and this really should be a warning sign — it’s not clear whether it’s the position of the Conservative Party.

So much for Musk. But the prime minister had still more to say, specifically on Kemi Badenoch’s Conservatives. “What I won’t tolerate,” he said, “is politicians jumping on the bandwagon simply to get attention when those politicians sat in government for 14 long years, tweeting, talking, but not doing anything about it.” They were now “so desperate for attention that they’re amplifying what the far right is saying”. 

Badenoch was furious. Philp issued a denunciation of the idea that calling for an inquiry was “far right”. Musk described the prime minister’s words as “insane”, and if anyone would know, it would be him. Though it’s entirely possible that what really irked him was Starmer’s insistence on referring to Musk’s website as “Twitter”. The prime minister knows how to hit a man where it hurts.

But quite a lot of mud had been slung in Starmer’s direction over the previous week, and he had decided to sling some of it back. If not actually impassioned, it was probably as close to passion as the prime minister can manage. Quite-Angry New Keir.