How to fix the economy

My name is Steve Garyson, and I’m here to tell you about inequality.

Have you ever noticed that some people have less money and some people have … more money?

Think about it.

Now you’ve had a moment to recover, have you ever noticed that some people with more money haven’t done it solely by creating value in the world?

Better call a neurologist because I’m not done blowing your mind.

I know what I’m talking about. I know the rich from the inside. I started trading for an investment bank when I was 6. I had made my first million by the time that I was 8. At the age of 13, I was more profitable than Coca-Cola. 

But I was unhappy. I started having doubts about the economic system. “Shouldn’t we pay tax to support our NHS?” I’d ask. “Us!? Pay tax!? Great joke, Gary,” my colleagues would say, as they drank champagne and made finger paintings with the blood of endangered wildlife. “We’re going to sell off the NHS to Donald Trump!”

I couldn’t take it any more. There comes a time in any rich man’s life where you have to decide which Bernie you’re going to be: Sanders or Madoff. Yes, I had proven what a goddamn genius I was. But I also wanted to prove that I’m a swell guy.

So, I started telling the world about inequality. I write books. I make YouTube videos. I go on TV and slouch like I’m terminally bored of explaining the thing I have voluntarily decided to commit my life to explaining. 

“Why would my ideas work? Oh, Zzzzzzzzzz …”

You see, the system is rigged. The rich get richer and the poor get absolutely shafted. Did you know that Steve Jobs hasn’t paid any tax since 2011? It’s disgusting.

Inequality is the cause of pretty much all our problems. Climate change? Inequality. Crime? Inequality. Eurovision? That’s right — inequality. Take the housing market. You might say, “Look, Gary. Yes, wealth concentration can be a problem, but is it not also the case that we don’t build enough homes to match our population growth?” Oh, you mug. Don’t you know that the words “supply” and “demand” were invented by investment bankers to fund their cocaine habits?

Some of you might be attracted to right-wing populists. Don’t fall for them! You see, they want to create an “us versus them” mentality, where a minority of people is singled out and blamed for all our hardships. This is a distraction from blaming the rich. 

And you poor suckers fall for it.

But I don’t blame you. I’m just a normal person, see. Sure, I’ve been a super-rich banking mega-prodigy. But I never lost my improbably pronounced East London accent or my fanatical devotion to plain black t-shirts.

What we’ve got to do — and I hope you can wrap your mind around a concept as sophisticated as this — is tax wealth. Tax it! Go on! Just take that wealth and give it a good hard taxing. Now, you might say that wealth taxes have been tried across the world without much success. But to that I say: Zzzzzzzzzz.

Yes, we’ve got to tax wealth. Only then can we reduce inequality and take a major step towards Garytopia — a utopian society where everybody will record half-awake YouTube videos in plain black t-shirts.

But I’ll still have been a super-rich banking mega-prodigy. Not that I’m bragging.