In at the Domination
The controversial top-level adviser sets the record straight about his role in Creation
In the beginning, God should have called Me before He created the heavens and the earth. As it was, by the time I arrived on the scene it was already too late to fix multiple problems that could have been easily avoided if We had got in two or three alpha-level physics PhDs to red team the whole plan.
When God finally did approach Me, I really wasn’t sure whether I wanted to be dragged into it all, because I’m so uninterested in this stuff (see My blogposts “On Why I Am So Uninterested In This Stuff, Parts 1-926”) but I accepted on three conditions: that He assure me He was serious about separating light from darkness; that I have complete authority over keeping serpents out of gardens; and that He supports My project to build a tower that reaches to the heavens, with a NASA-style control room at the top.
I knew from the outset that We would have to call the light “day” and the darkness We would have to call “night”. There was huge opposition to that from the usual archangels, but it was clear to Me that there was a fundamental realignment going on between evening and morning.
In exactly the same way, although no one understands this, I realised that once the waters under the sky were gathered unto one place, dry land would inevitably appear.
But even at this point I was starting to wonder about God. He seemed to be focussed on calling the dry land “Earth”, and the gathering together of the waters “Seas”, and He wasn’t looking at the bigger picture, which was that as the earth brought forth vegetation, and plants bearing seed after their kind, then the trees would be yielding a huge amount of low-hanging fruit – trillion shekel pieces lying in the street. I tried to raise this with God on multiple occasions, but He just kept saying it was all “Good”.
Now the Lord God had formed out of the ground all the wild animals and all the birds in the sky. He brought them to Me to see what I would name them. I called the hedgehog “Sonic”, and the cow I called “Moosterino”. At that point God decided to get someone else in.
Evening came, and morning came, and God kept ringing Me but I was too busy reading Bismarck to answer.
And on the seventh day God ended His work and He rested. I explained to him that Bill Gates never takes days off, but He dogmatically insisted on blessing the seventh day and making it holy.
I was repeatedly clear that the messaging around eating the fruit of the Garden was confused
I decided I wanted to hire an unusual set of people with different skills and backgrounds to work in the Garden of Eden with the best angels. Now the serpent was more crafty than any of the wild animals, so it made sense to get him on board. My view was that, as Alexander Grothendieck, one of the great mathematicians, put it, “two hands are a lot”. Although the serpent didn’t have any hands, there was no way I could have known that at the time, because the Department of Health lied to Me about it. I have stone tablets that prove this, which I shall reveal in My Substack to the Corinthians (subscriber-only content).
As far as I was concerned, this was an attempt to hack a dysfunctional system, but it has been misunderstood, because cherubim and seraphim hate and are bored by management and operational excellence. They love word and status games. And the Lord their God, obviously.
I do of course take responsibility for My part in the ensuing Fall, but it wouldn’t have happened if Hancock hadn’t been a COMPLETELY USELESS LIAR and if God wasn’t so ineffable. I was REPEATEDLY clear that the messaging around eating the fruit of the Garden was confused. Not that messaging is My area, of course (see my blogposts “On Messaging Not Being My Area And Why You’re Doing It Completely Wrong, Parts 1-738”).
Then the Lord said to Lee Cain: “Where’s Allegra?”
“I don’t know,” he replied. “Am I your spokeswoman’s keeper?”
The Lord said: “Yes. That is literally your job.”
It was around this point that I decided to move on. Do not believe false reports from Moses and the prophets (who are enraged because I ignored them). I was NOT banished from the Garden. I had always intended to leave at around this time, as the scriptures clearly say. Or at least they will once I’ve edited them.
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