This article is taken from the July 2022 issue of The Critic. To get the full magazine why not subscribe? Right now we’re offering five issues for just £10.

“Why Boris, fancy meeting you here!” We are on our early walk in the park and Nadine, who is one of Bozza’s work friends, has just jumped out of a bush in front of us. 

“Oh, um, hello Nad,” says Bozza, backing away. “Didn’t know you were a dawn walker.”

“Oh I was just passing,” she says, brushing a twig out of her hair. “Now, as I’ve got you, I’ve been doing some thinking.” Nadine reaches into a folder and pulls out a piece of paper. “We need to talk about your fightback.”

“Oh yes, I’ve been doing a bit of pondering on that myself, you know. Thought we could do some of the old favourites; bendy bananas, lefty lawyers, silly Strasbourg, bonkers Brussels.”

Nadine looks at Bozza the way I look at raw steak. “Oh Boris, you are such a genius. Just amazing how you get to the heart of what really matters. But I believe it’s time to take out the plotters.”

“You mean like a reshuffle? I’m not sure I can face Raab crying again.”

 “I mean a purge! You have to act! This is your party. People like Rishi never wanted you, not like your real believers.” She has grabbed his hand and won’t let it go.

“Bloody, bold and resolute, eh? I could, I suppose. I know the FCO johnnies are worried Liz is going to start a war just for the Instagram likes.”

“It’s not enough to expel your enemies from the Cabinet.” Nadine is standing very close to Bozza now, even though he keeps backing away. “You’ve got to get them out of the country. I’ve been talking to Priti…”

“Um…”

“She’s got planes booked to Rwanda every week for the rest of the year, and no one to put on them. This is the only language that traitors understand.” 

“Rwandan? Or do they speak French there?” Bozza looks confused. 

Nadine hands him the paper. “I’ve made a list for the next flight.”

Bozza looks at it. “I don’t know, Nad. Welby is fair enough, but I’m not sure about deporting Prince Charles.”