This article is taken from the June 2021 issue of The Critic. To get the full magazine why not subscribe? Right now we’re offering five issue for just £10.

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A recent article in British Vogue posed the question: “Is having a baby in 2021 pure environmental vandalism?” The answer seems obvious to me, given that babies are responsible for 90 per cent of all the world’s carbon emissions. (That’s probably the case anyway; I haven’t really looked into it.)

Forced sterilisation is often frowned upon, but the truth is that most of our current problems have arisen from human beings and their tendency to reproduce. Take toxic masculinity. If we were simply to sterilise all males at birth, toxic masculinity would be eliminated within five or six generations. 

Those who argue for the so-called “continuation of the human race” are missing two key points. First, until we close the gender pregnancy gap, women will be bearing most of the burden. Second, given the fact that fascism is unknown in the animal kingdom, is the human race worth preserving at all? I’ve never heard of a badger committing a xenophobic microaggression. 

All of the worst people in history were once babies

Apparently the majority of pregnancies are a result of intercourse between a man and a woman, which is outrageous given that all heterosexual sex is a form of rape. Recently I ran a workshop for 6-year-olds to teach them about how Peppa Pig is actually a white supremacist, and I took great pleasure in reminding them that all of their parents are rapists. 

Besides, traditional pregnancy is so outdated. I know a transblack genderfluid drag queen who got pregnant with non-binary twins in their female testes by lesbian sperm donated by a sapiosexual demi-queer horse fetishist. That strikes me as a far more dignified way to come into the world. 

And consider this: all of the worst people in history were once babies. Science has given us many things — air conditioning, tanning salons, gravity, etc — so why is it that they haven’t found a way to engineer children that have the correct opinions? Why are straight white males still being born at all? If we could just come up with a system of selective breeding that weeds out the problematic and the unwoke, there would be no more Nazis.