This article is taken from the June 2023 issue of The Critic. To get the full magazine why not subscribe? Right now we’re offering five issues for just £10.

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Many people describe me as an extremist. And yet all I have ever yearned for is social justice and world peace. I am the very definition of a moderate. This is why I believe that anyone who disagrees with me ought to be publicly executed. 

Allow me to explain my reasoning. I have seen some abhorrent violence in my years of campaigning. Only last week, my friend Charlotte was deliberately misgendered. I believe the exact phrase was: “Sir, would you mind putting your testicles away?” Believe me, we are never going to that garden centre again. 

And yesterday I heard a “commentator” on the radio claiming that not all white people are privileged. Such violent rhetoric recalls the darkest days of the Third Reich. Why should a white man be given a platform to spread such vile racism? (I assume he was white anyway; he sounded quite articulate.) 

I have been heartened to see trans rights activists at various protests across the globe punching people in the name of tolerance. Given that “science” and “biological facts” are dog-whistles deployed by terrorists, beating up bigots who claim that there are two sexes is an act of self-defence against their harmful words. 

I have taken on board the many arguments against state censorship, and I do appreciate that unlimited power for one individual is not necessarily a good thing. For every benevolent and wise leader like Joseph Stalin, there’s an evil tyrant like Rishi Sunak. 

“What about human rights?”, I hear you cry

And so rather than widespread censorship, it would be safer if the government simply exterminates anyone with the wrong opinions. This system is far less likely to be exploited and, for those of us who live in London, it would also mean that there would be no further need for the congestion charge.

“What about human rights?”, I hear you cry. But when people hold such evil views and are completely lacking in compassion, they can barely be said to be human beings at all. As such, we are perfectly entitled to have them ritualistically diced into small cubes and fed to pigs.