This article is taken from the March 2023 issue of The Critic. To get the full magazine why not subscribe? Right now we’re offering five issues for just £10.

---

“I love this, you know,” says Rishi, leaning back in his chair at that Cabinet table. “It’s things like this that got me into politics in the first place.”

“Spreadsheets?” James looks doubtful. 

“Diving into the numbers,” Rishi says, looking at the computer in front of him. “You can’t beat a good Budget.”

“The main thing,” says Jeremy, who lives next door, “is to beat Kwasi’s bad one. Have you thought about the choices I gave you on tax?”

There’s a long silence. “Prime Minister?” says Jeremy again.

“I heard you,” says Rishi, “But I’m still weighing my options. I’ll come back to you next week.” I think I see Jeremy roll his eyes. 

“Can we talk about crime?” asks James. “There’s a new study out that says Northern people don’t like it when their stuff is stolen. It’s a big levelling-up issue, apparently.” 

“We need to act on this,” says Rishi, in his special firm voice. “Right away. Let’s have a policy review. And what’s more,” he slaps his hand on the table, “let’s tell it to report back within six months.” 

This is all part of Rishi’s efforts to look more dynamic. After Amber told him last month that a lot of voters thought of him as a management consultant, he was furious. “That’s ridiculous!” he said. “If I’d got onto the McKinsey training scheme, I’d be a senior management consultant by now. In fact, I’d probably be a partner.” 

Since then, Rishi has decided to get a tough-looking outfit like his new friend Vlodymyr. He got one of his tailors to come round to measure him for a sweatshirt, and James is running focus groups on the best colour. Rishi has asked him to narrow it down to four options, and then he says he’ll pick a shade by 2025. 

“The thing is, it’s easy for Vlodymyr,” Rishi complains. “He had a Russian invasion. What we need is a single group of people that the whole country hates and blames for everything that’s going wrong. Any ideas, Amber? James — what does the polling suggest?”

They’ve both gone quiet. Maybe they’re still weighing their options.