This article is taken from the May 2026 issue of The Critic. To get the full magazine why not subscribe? Get five issues for just £5.
I have a fundamentally puerile sense of humour. From the earliest days I can remember, I have giggled at people’s names. It’s not clever, and it’s not funny, as my teacher said when she found the list I’d been collecting of composers with funny — yes, they are! — names. How about Backfart, Titz, Scheidt, Fux and Balbastre, to start with?
But when it comes to names, nothing beats sport. My friend and fellow Spurs fan, also a Stephen, and I were in seventh heaven for a while (an unusual feeling for Spurs fans) when our team included fellow Stephens Carr, Clemence, Kelly, Freund and Iversen (both Steffens). Halcyon days for sporting Stephens, following the greatest Spurs Stephen of them all, Steve Perryman (well, sort of a Stephen).
But before we get to the giggles, the idea of nominative determinism is a rich seam to be mined in sport. How could Tyson Fury not end up as a boxer or Usain Bolt as a lightning-fast sprinter? And Rafael Defendi, the Brazilian goalkeeper whose name translates as “I saved it”, surely had no other choice of career, just as Marina Stepanova was always destined to be a hurdler. As for Mark De Man — well, of course he became a defender; to get the entire name doing the work is rare indeed.
I’m hardly the first person to have a thing about sporting names, especially in football. David Baddiel and Frank Skinner’s 1990s BBC show Fantasy Football League once ran a mock competition for the footballer with the furthest away name. Honourable mentions went to Dion Dublin, Jason Scotland and Justin Edinburgh, but the winner — pretty clever, this — was Arsenal’s Marc Overmars.
But there’s no need for the humour to be clever. When you’re a kid, the name Fabian Assman (an Argentine goalkeeper) is always going to be funny, especially if you’re comparing him to the former Arsenal keeper, David Seaman. As for the Brazilian defender, now lower league manager, Argel Fuchs …
But the humour can be more innocent, too. Ghanaian defender Nortei Nortey plays for Dagenham & Redbridge, while what’s not to like about Peter Pander, the former director of football at Borussia Mönchengladbach? Or the gloriously named Zimbabwean defender Danger Fourpence, who unfortunately was no real danger to any forwards during his somewhat lacklustre career.
Australian international keeper Norman Conquest was, unfortunately for him, not an example of nominative determinism. Far from being invincible, he is best known for having let in 17 goals in one match against England. A better example would be the actual Mr Invincible, Australian Danny Invincible, whose last-minute goal in the final match of the 2001/02 season saved Swindon from relegation.
But when you want puerile, it’s difficult to beat Polish left-back Tymoteusz Puchacz — pronounced poohatch. Difficult but far from impossible. My friends are all too well aware of one list I have kept since I was a kid, of players with rude names. It’s a pretty nifty squad, as it happens.
Seaman in goal, obviously, then there are André Muff, the Swiss international striker, Rod Fanni, capped five times by France, East German player and manager Ralf Minge and his fellow German, striker Stefan Kuntz, who is now chairman of Kaiserslautern.
They are joined by Brian Pinas, the Dutch winger who was signed by Newcastle United but never played for them and Dutch international centre-back de Kock. Austrian U18 player Jacob Wanker is a must alongside German defender Konrad Wanka. Former Middlesbrough striker Uwe Fuchs is there with English defender and manager Peter Shirtliff.
Brazilian midfield legend Kaka would surely start, perhaps along with striker Dean Windass. Spanish forward Roberto López Ufarte joins the squad with Nigerian centre-back Danny Shittu and Scottish striker Paul Dickov. German midfielder Lars Bender completes the squad. Best leave out Milan Fukal, whose name might be seen as an example of nominative determinism. Having been linked with Manchester City, the Czech defender’s career has petered out.
As for other sports, needless to say the USA provides more than its fair share of fabulous names, from basketball player Longar Longar to coach God Shammgod, whose name reminds me of the Yes Minister explanation of civil service honours: CMG stands for Call Me God, KCMG for Kindly Call Me God and GCMG God Calls Me God. American football linebacker Yourhighness Morgan’s parents at least had the grace only to call him royalty.
Racing driver Dick Trickle and baseball player Dick Pole might have wished their parents hadn’t turned their names into stories in themselves, whilst bowls legend Mike Limongello must curse having the g instead of a c and all those free drinks he could have had, whilst Russian ice dancer Irina Slutskaya was sensible not to have been a skier, although it wasn’t Fanny Chmelar’s choice of skiing which did for her.
One of the great things about sport is that it’s not just about sport. Whatever your particular passion, there’s always an added dimension away from what’s happening on the pitch, track, course or wherever. Even if it’s simply the names involved.
