As the vote counts trickled in last week, there was only one question on the lips of every American. From Point Barrow in Alaska to the Florida Keys, from Sail Rock, Maine to Honolulu, everyone wanted to know the same thing: “What does this mean for Keir Starmer?”

Centrists may be celebrating this result, but actually, it is a disaster

Few things can have been closer to the heart of the average US citizen as they queued up to vote than a desire to send a clear signal to British politicians. That is, after all, the principal purpose of American democracy. Which makes it all the more frustrating that this message can sometimes get confused as it makes its way across the Atlantic.

As a service to readers, then, The Critic brings you a complete guide to interpreting what America’s election means for Britain. The evolving nature of the result means that these takes have necessarily changed, while somehow remaining the same.

Biden’s Narrow Victory Shows That Only Corbyn Can Win In Britain

If the Democrats have won at all, which seems very unclear, it is by the narrowest of margins. Working class voters backed Trump over Biden because the Democrat was insufficiently left-wing. The president was a weak candidate who would have been much more convincingly beaten by Bernie Sanders, in much the same way that Jeremy Corbyn would have beaten Theresa May or Boris Johnson, if only he’d been given the chance.

We May Have Lost, But All Of You Lost Biggerly

Pollsters, Democrats, radical leftists, moralists, shadowy controllers of the media, establishmentists, secularists, elitists, the rest of the world – your boys took one hell of a beating. Or may not have done. But still.

Poll Miss Shows Lockdown II Is A Mistake

If American pollsters can’t predict the result of the election with complete accuracy, how can Chris Whitty tell us how a virus will spread? Answer me that!

Biden’s Widening Lead Only Makes The Case For The Radical Left More Clearly

Bernie would have got the votes counted faster in Philadelphia.

Pollsters Can’t Be Trusted, Except When They Say Something I Agree With

This election shows how completely unreliable pollsters are. They are the modern world’s soothsayers, and we should never listen to them again on anything. Except on this one rather interesting number I’ve noticed, which could be read as suggesting that people of colour actually rather like a bit of casual racism. And who are we to deny that to them?

Trump Is Making Himself Look Silly, But Worse, He’s Making Me Look Silly

I have spent the last four years arguing that the president is actually a political genius and that liberals who think he’s just an overgrown toddler are simply showing how out of touch they are. Recent days have not been easy for me.

On Reflection, There Are No Lessons For The British Left From the US

Now we can see that Biden actually won a fairly convincing victory, picking up a large popular mandate and also winning the states he needed to get a comfortable win in the electoral college, it’s time to stop trying to find things Labour can learn from America.

Yes There Are, By Keir Starmer

Actually, I can think of one or two, the Labour leader writes.

So Now You Want Votes Counted, Do You, Remainers?

Donald Trump is holed up in the White House refusing to accept the election result – and doesn’t that just remind you of Keir Starmer saying there should be a second referendum? Well it should.

Biden Has Already Betrayed The Left

Centrists may be celebrating this result, but actually, it is a disaster. We must begin protesting at once.

US Election Makes A UK-EU Trade Deal More Likely

Read my 28-tweet thread for details.

US Election Means A UK-EU Trade Deal Is Off The Table

Read my 35-tweet thread for details.

Biden’s Victory Is A Disaster For Boris Johnson

The whole world can rejoice that after four years in which the US was led by a vindictive, capricious narcissist, it will now have a president who takes a calm look at things and seeks to build bridges. Except with Britain where, because of a thing Johnson wrote four years ago, there’s going to be a total diplomatic freeze.

Just Shut Up About Biden, OK?

Why oh why must British commentators insist on going on about the Democrats and the Labour party? It can only be because they want to sow division on the left

Actually, This Whole “Special Relationship” Thing is Overdone

The British press gets incredibly worked up about the relationship between the president and the prime minister, but it’s complete nonsense that makes us look ridiculous.

This is of course the Correct Take. But to give it proper oomph, it should be produced by someone involved in a government that offered Donald Trump a state visit within days of his taking office, and that regarded the relocation of a bust of Winston Churchill as a major foreign policy triumph.

What’s that you say?

Yes, yes, that would do it.