Artillery Row

The phantom menace

Reports from the space opera of British politics

You’ve probably seen some of the headlines or heard it on the radio. A terrible bloodthirsty monster has infiltrated the heart of government, and her Name is Suella Braverman.

Her crimes? Well this pantomime-tier villain is backed by a shadowy cabal of far right MPs, and leaked state secrets to her sith master yes British politics’ very own Emperor Palpatine, John Hayes MP. Though some will tell you he’s a devout Christian who survived a brain injury from a road accident, have you considered the real truth that he was left terribly scarred by a duel to the death with Jedi Master David Lammy. 

If Suella is allowed to sit on Britain’s jedi council, it is only a matter of time before Hayes is acclaimed as lord protector in parliament, and liberty dies, probably accompanied by furious applause and hooting from the Tory back benches. 

This political machiavellian played both sides in the Tory civil war

This political machiavellian played both sides in the Tory civil war, a galaxy-wide conflict between an army of mindless, rather comic droids pre-programmed to self-destruct in the cause of Reaganite economics, and legions of identical, extremely sensible and grown-up clone soldiers determined to restore sanity to British politics by wearing suits and gazing at the camera reassuringly. After a desperate high-speed escape from a collapsing government, she docked with the new government claiming to have been a very sensible adult all along.

But don’t believe it. We also hear that Suella has been running a death camp in Kent, and was videoed massacring a group of innocent Albanian asylum seekers in a rage fuelled by the dark side. Who will the next target be? If trailers for “Revenge of the European Research Group” are accurate, she will likely start slaughtering members of the 2019 Tory parliamentary intake, before being hurled by an outraged Sunak into a sea of molten lava (probably in Wales somewhere).

Labour MPs and members of the left wing media are currently anticipating a Britain under the iron rule of Emperor Hayes and Darth Braverman. Rumours are already circulating that the pair are constructing a Death Star on the Isle of Dogs with the help of Count Boris, and are intending to use it to destroy Princess Abbott’s beloved Hackney.

Should this come to pass, our only hope is that young Owen Skywalker can organise a #Resistance against the evil Empire, with the help of irritable but wise mentor, Jedi master and alottoment owner Obi-Wan Corbyn. Will our valiant Guardian columnist save the innocent Ewoks currently enjoying a prelapsarian existence on the jungle moon of Calais? Can he finally make Britain a grown-up country with an elected head of state? 

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