The 2024 elections might be the best part of two years away, but Republican hopefuls are already jostling for space in the media as the presidential primaries loom. Who will end up facing President Joe Biden — if he lasts that long — in ‘24?

Liberals blame ReSantis for not persecuting beachgoers during the pandemic

Few candidates have officially announced their bids. Donald Trump threw his hat into the ring last year, to a storm of speculation, as did one-time Secretary of State for Montana Corey Stapleton, to a vague murmur of bemusement. Other candidates are playing coy — but we can make an educated guess as to who will run.

Donald Trump

Mr Trump is expected to seek a second term in the White House, where he would be able to pursue unfinished elements of his agenda, like “posting on Twitter” and “redecorating the Oval Office”. If he is successful, and runs afoul of any of the 3987 lawsuits being levelled against him, Trump might also have the chance to issue himself a federal pardon. American liberals are extremely concerned about the second coming of the man whom many hold responsible for the 2021 invasion of Capitol Hill — but some remain optimistic that he will be unable to breach American democracy’s shield wall of late night talk show hosts and Saturday Night Live cold opens.

Don ReSantis

The noted “anti-woke” governor of Florida, Don ReSantis, is perhaps Trump’s most feared rival. Governor ReSantis has won countless Republican admirers with his firm stands on drag queens at book clubs and taxing Disney. Asked if he is too reliant on gimmicks when it comes to such substantive policy areas as immigration and trade, Governor ReSantis fashioned a balloon into the shape of an illegal immigrant. ReSantis is despised by liberals, who blame him for not persecuting beachgoers during the pandemic.

Neve Artrump

Neve Artrump, Representative from East Dakota, has distinguished herself with her defiant opposition to President Donald Trump. From 2016 to 2021, she supported the first, second, third, fourth, fifth and sixth impeachments of the 45th president of the United States, and as a potential candidate for nomination she would hope to combat Trump’s campaign. Asked where she stands on economic matters, Artrump replied, “We have to restore integrity and moderation to the Republican Party.” Asked for her stance on social issues, she responded, “We must bring both moderation and integrity back to the GOP.” Asked for her perspective on foreign policy, she replied, “Bomb Iran.”

Tom Tomperson

Tomperson, a senator from West Carolina, is viewed by many as a young politician who walks in the footsteps of Republican legends like Scott Ryan, Paul Walker, Tom Santorum and Mike Cotton. Regarded as a serious, respectable candidate, he boasts such assets as a neat haircut and a sensible taste in ties. Tomperson believes in standing up to the “vicious and oppressive woke tyranny” with bold, far-reaching policies like top rate tax cuts and firm support for the Israeli government. His Twitter bio reads: “Reaganite. Dad. Go Panthers!”

Who will win? It seems unlikely to be America

Dee Frauder

Miss Frauder is a household name who has decided to leave the realms of entertainment to, in her words, “save America and the world”. She wants to bring Christian morality back to American culture and respect for common folk back to US politics. Miss Frauder — a talk show host, reality show contestant and supplement saleswoman — will hope to remain unaffected by the recent collapse of her seventeenth marriage and her controversial arrest after her private jet was found to have been holding twenty kilograms of cocaine and ten million dollars that had been donated to her charity “Save the Kittens”. Miss Frauder claims to have no idea how they got there.

Cole Blooded

A successful venture capitalist, and a friend of Peter Thiel and Elon Musk, Mr Blooded hopes to bring tech-honed intelligence to the Republican debate. Blooded is a firm supporter of free markets, the Second Amendment and implanting brain-computer interfaces into people’s heads that are programmed to kill them if they even think about committing crimes.

Bon Jolton

Mr Jolton brings extensive experience as United States Ambassador to the United Nations to the table. If elected president, he promises to restore and extend American greatness. Something of a hawk when it comes to foreign policy, Mr Jolton has advocated regime change in Russia, Syria, Iran, Venezuela, Cuba, North Korea, France, Ethiopia, Australia and Montenegro. In his spare time, he enjoys Call of Duty and fireworks displays.

Lee Bert Arian

Mr Arian, an entrepreneur and crypto-currency enthusiast, has expressed an interest in entering the race to show that the values of anarcho-capitalism can provide mature and pragmatic solutions to our current crises. He will hope not to face backlash over the 4897 recorded hours of podcasts in which he disputes age of consent laws.

America Fuerst

Ms Fuerst, a favourite of so-called “zoomer nationalists”, has been building a policy platform that includes banning pitbulls and “doing what Abraham Lincoln should have done”. Perhaps surprisingly, for an apparent “Alt Right” candidate, she is also a half-Chinese trans woman.

Who will win? It is of course too early to say – but it seems unlikely to be America.