Outlaw parenting now!
Western teenagers have historically been oppressed into doing things that go against their sinless nature, like waking up in the morning, wearing appropriate clothes or eating vegetables, so it is welcome that a particularly noxious form of adult-splaining is set to be criminalised.  In Victoria, Australia – a state which has yet to be renamed after something less triggering than a Gatling gun – a law could be passed which would make it illegal to talk a child out of changing their gender. Hateful childphobic trans-hater Nick Cater claims the legislation is ‘dangerous’ and writes: “The role of doctors, psychiatrists, priests and parents will be reduced to applying a rubber stamp. A minor will still need the approval of a responsible adult to get a tattoo in Victoria, but not to change their gender.” It’s hard to grasp how, in 2021, anybody still thinks it could be ‘dangerous’ for ‘children’ to be ‘allowed’ to undergo life-changing ‘surgery’ against the wishes of their mother-identifying figure and father-identifying figure. Although Cater did hit upon the next war we need to wage against the parental-oppressors. Once this vital law is passed, the case for child tattoos on the NHS has never been more pressing.

Section twenty-hate
In the centuries since 2003, all member citizens of Airstrip One have observed LGBT+ History Month every February, to coincide with the repeal of Section 28 by Saint Tony of Iraq. That the monthly ritual is observed was reported as fact by the UK’s embassy to the EU but you, of course, don’t need to be told that. Celebrating the death of Section 28 (which outlawed the promotion of homosexuality in schools) is now as natural to us Brits as clapping for #OurNHS every Thursday and not going to the pub.

Woke Colonialism
With intimidatingly magnificent prose, student writer Ellie Redpath has called for the sacking of her Oxford College President, Dinah Rose QC, for her shameful adherence to one of the principles of so-called British justice. Miss Redpath describes herself as “a bisexual woman who can literally see the President’s lodgings from her bedroom window” which is such a tiny minority group that she should immediately receive extra funding for being so privileged oppressed. Redpath – pronouns in bio – hears on the grapevine that her beloved President of Magdalen, whom she herself had a chance to interview for the job (note the progressive nature of employment at a once-fusty institution), has taken on a court case representing the Cayman Islands in its bid to overturn gay marriage. Which was graciously imposed on the British overseas territory by the, er, colonial UK government, overturned on appeal by homophobes, and is now with the Privy Council. Dinah Rose, QC, must take the case based on the ‘cab-rank rule’ or risk being disbarred. The cab-rank argument, which supposedly ensures nobody is denied access to justice but is in fact clearly named after the shameful, racist opinions of Britain’s most pollution spreading, Brexiteer-littered service industry, worked for Redpath until she realised something. Namely that dim-witted single cell organisms, sorry, potential Oxford students might see the word “Magdalen” next to the word “anti-gay” in a headline, “and that will be what they remember, regardless of the details”. Considering she is within sniper-range of the QC’s lodgings, Redpath is literally risking her life in effectively calling on her President to resign or be disbarred. Sometimes it’s the most marginalised people whose virtue shines the brightest.

Double the virtue
It doesn’t matter what self-interested, Western male science ‘proves’ about mask wearing … wait, sorry, I mean, although it matters very much what doubtless female practitioner-led collaborative healthcare studies have proven about masks and mask wearing, we can take it as read that anybody who doesn’t wear one hates the NHS and wants even non-racist grannies to die. But since the ban on naked noses was passed and most people started covering up, (albeit with a bit of grumbling) it left all of us who really love the NHS and genuinely don’t want grannies to die of Covid* with nothing to mark us out as true believers in authoritarian government and socialist healthcare worship. Step forward the double mask. The American Administration’s chief medical officer, Dr. Fauci, has recommended Americans should wear two masks in order to stay safe. Face-fashion magazine Vogue reports that the “winning combination” of safety is a surgical mask (the 3-ply blue masks) worn underneath a snazzy cloth mask. And we can be sure that this is absolutely true science, there. Though not, of course, absolutely true science here. For otherwise absolutely true science here, in the form of its doctor on earth, the NHS, would be saying that we needed to do the same thing too. Which it’s not. So … all the Americans are going to … uh, die? Or live, and we’re all going to die? Maybe there are innate differences between British and American nostrils which … I’m sorry, I’m being told I have to attend a Biological Facts Appreciation session. That’s my second this month. I’m reported to WHO for a third offence and they’ve got camps.

*loneliness is fine