It goes without saying that I love Extinction Rebellion, Just Stop Oil and Insulate Britain (although that last one sounds a bit fash). But I would like to offer some friendly PR advice to these spontaneously created grassroots organisations (which are in no way connected). Put down the soup for a moment and have a think:

Are you a bit cheeky, or actually very naughty?

Now beloved Phoebe and Anna can get a proper wash after being sentenced for enhancing Van Gough’s Sunflowers with Heinz tomato soup, you are suddenly of the view that what they did was not very naughty at all, like the time everyone in the commune forgot to ride Petunia’s horse when she went to Italy. You put out a breathless tweet saying: 3 YEARS 8 MONTHS COMBINED IN PRISON FOR THROWING SOUP.  But at the time, you were pretty worried everyone would think you were crazy, saying the end justified the extreme means, and explaining that to save art you had to destroy it. I don’t mind either way, but maybe you should pick one.

If you’re being punished for your political views, why give the pigs an excuse to arrest you?

As Sunflowers was souped again this week, the latest freedom fighters shouted at their friend’s camera phone that the original soupers, Phoebe and Anna, had been sent to jail for “demanding an end to new oil and gas”. Just Stop Oil refers to its jailed comrades as “political prisoners” and doesn’t always find space to mention what they were doing at the time. e.g.  “Jane Touil is currently in prison for demanding a Fossil Fuel Treaty. She is one of 21 political prisoners in the UK.” The danger with this is, in the minds of the public you might start to conflate people who spray-paint the departures board at Heathrow with the likes of Solzhenitsyn —  ahh, I think I get it now. As you were.

Fair evasion
The charge of “Two-Tier policing” was an outrageous fact-free slur that in a just world, would have left the likes of Nigel Farage being hot branded by Marianna Springs with the words FACT CHECK for all eternity. But over in civilised Germany, ticket inspectors are encouraged to avoid checking the papers of newcomers to the Reich. Probably because it’s a lot more welcoming for new Europeans, and not, as a biased publication states, because the future teachers and brain-surgeons of central Europe are more likely to become violent when asked to produce their papers. This has led to my own internal conflict, but I have now changed my mind — it is allowed you know! — and I have come to the conclusion that although two-tier policing is absolutely not going on in Britain, in Germany at least, different communities shouldn’t be policed the same if it will lead to tension. It’s obviously got certain negative German associations, but is “appeasement” such a bad word?. Train operator Deutsche Bahn don’t exactly use the word, or even “zweistufig” or “two-tier”, but said they sometimes deploy “deeskalation” (de-escalation) by not checking tickets from people who look like they might make things interesting.  Zwei Volk!, Zwei Reich!, Zwei Füh — [that’s enough, Ed.]

BBC rejects reform
I love BBC Verify, it’s such an amazing tonic to the lies and myths peddled by the right — I mean everyone! they target everyone equally of course. Political parties of all colours, be it blue or teal, can’t escape the laser-like focus of the BBC Verify team. This time, Reform is in hot (channel) water for claiming that the UK could simply return the boat people to France. The Verify angels have come down from on high and nailed a story to the country’s front door nattily titled: “Why UK can’t just return migrants to France, as Reform says” which says that ACKSHUALLY, it would be impossible for the UK to just dump the small boats back in France, because it would be against International Law. The right are becoming so fascist they keep claiming Britain has absolute sovereignty to legislate itself out of International Treaties. But all the right-thinking types, (and by right-thinking, I obviously mean left-thinking) know that Britain’s unbreakable constitution is the ECHR, Net Zero, and whatever that spider lady in the Supreme Court says.

Just haven’t Met you yet
They came up with a million excuses, but London’s police chief Sir Mark Rowley has finally declared that the Met will become “truly anti-racist”. Regular readers will know by now that it’s not good enough not to be racist, you must seek and destroy all forms of racism like Mossad agents hunting down the last Nazis, only a bit less openly Jewish.

Continental drift
Like it or not, the shops will soon be putting out the Christmas decorations and that old age question [shouldn’t that be age old? — ed.] has popped up again. What do you get for the person who’s got everything? The Speccie’s Mary Killen suggests overpriced Olive Oil, but that won’t exactly knock ’em dead. No, you want to buy something that they can really get into — a killer present. The Sarco suicide pod has been around for a while, and The Critic have even tried to convince you to buy it, but sadly in Switzerland — the home of Dignitas no less — the authorities have provided some opposition to using it, namely, that they’ve gone and banned it, and are trying to arrest some people who were just helping somebody to do a non-assisted suicide in northern Switzerland. Dr Death said he received advice from Swiss lawyers that using the Sarco would be legal, but sadly those in charge have pulled the plug, so to speak, on the method. The Critic staff are stuffy types who will moan at me glamorising death, but I really must show you these gorgeous pictures of them building the prototype. I particularly like the one with the gas canister, it suggests a theatrical touch to your last