To All Critic Staff:

This is to let you know that the board has accepted Robert Hutton’s resignation as chairman today and agreed that he will step down as a presenter of Critic TV. 

This has nothing to do with the fact that, due to a clerical error, he was billed for the first three weeks as “Roger Scruton”.

Hutton joined Critic TV 12 months ago and signed a multi-year contract of incredible complexity. This, along with his reluctance to give up the cash as long as he can still pry it out of my hands, explains why he will continue to appear as a thrice-weekly commentator.

I know that there has been concern about his health, but I would like to reassure colleagues that he is fit and well. The puce skin tone that caused our viewer to dial 999 was, in fact, a consequence of a series of catastrophic technical errors. 

Hutton said he is sorry to leave but that after reflection during the summer he feels it’s time to reduce his many commitments. He is, for instance, hoping to finish Frank Herbert’s Dune before the film comes out.

I’d like to thank our stand-in presenters, Lord Haw Haw and the lad off The Apprentice, for covering for Hutton

Hutton shared our vision for Critic TV. He knew instinctively that many Brits, especially in two or three London postcodes, were crying out for a channel that mixed waspish arts reviews with commentary based on the many bitter grudges held by the staff. That mission of axe-grinding, guaranteed by our editor’s Ulster temperament, has not changed and never will.

There is no doubt that Hutton has built a committed following among the Critic TV audience, such as it is. His programmes generated unprecedented levels of viewer engagement from dedicated fans like Hugh Jass and Mike Oxlong.

Hutton embodied the vision and the message of Critic TV — even when unfortunate issues with lighting and audio meant the audience could neither see nor hear him.

He helped set our tone, our purpose, even our launch date. He has been integral to every major programming and hiring decision. What is more, we have the emails to prove it, and will start leaking them if he continues slagging us off on Twitter.

In his absence from the newsroom, I’ve watched in awe as you have pulled Critic TV together. It’s thanks to you, who have all worked so hard over the summer, that we are unrecognisable from launch: brighter, stronger, and more self-assured in every way. I think it’s no coincidence that this happened as soon as that gangling fool stropped off to his French villa and stopped banging on about how much more professional things were when he worked for Bilderberg TV.

I wish I could be with you at this difficult time, but my tax affairs make it quite impossible

I’d like to thank our stand-in presenters, Lord Haw Haw and the lad off The Apprentice, for covering for Hutton over the summer. Any viewers will have been impressed by their ability to often address the correct camera.

I know many of you will feel incredibly disappointed by this news, as I do. I am also conscious that there are still huge posters of Hutton around the Critic TV studios, and I would urge you not to deface them with any of the large marker pens that my minions have left nearby.

Although of course I am aware of the considerable controversy that followed the episode in which one of our presenters pulled down a statue of Peter Hitchens, we would like to reassure all staff that this is a free speech station, and staff are free to support causes as diverse as fox-hunting and the repeal of the Catholic Emancipation Act.

I wish I could be with you at this difficult time, but my tax affairs make it quite impossible for me to come within 1,000 miles of the UK. 

Yours,

Lord Kronsteen
Proprietor
Putin Holdings, Grand Cayman

(written and signed in his absence)