Global majority
The National Trust have casually slipped in the term “global majority communities” into a rambling press release about getting more black and Asian people global majorities into leading white people round the countryside. Government Minister Kemi Badenoch has moaned about this already which means the Tories are definitely going to act — that woman has never tweeted something without following through. It’s a shame because I love the term “Global Majority” — it finally lets us use the slur “ethnic minority” about white people in their own countries. That and an acknowledgement the world is split into two groups: White skinned people and everyone else. If WW3 was fought between the West and the Rest — and the West couldn’t use modern technology — then we would badly lose. It’s good to remember that, especially when you’re wandering around the countryside trying to improve your mental health.

Silent majority
Who does Cruella Braverman think she is, going on GB“News” trying to “talk to” and “understand” the tent-based student martyrs illegally occupying Cambridge University lawns just like Israel is occupying — no wait that’s wrong — this is a good occupation, like how the head of the National Trust, Hilary McGrady, is occupying the job of somebody who is supposed to like historic houses. Anyway, the Lobster-King himself has given the claw of approval to Cruella’s approach which tells you all you need to know. This is a man who wrote a book telling young people to make their beds before they try to change the world, a sure sign of far-right tendencies. The masked students, in the face of anti-Arab provocations from the former Home Secretary, like her saying “Hello I’m Cruella” and “What do you want to say to Israel?”, wisely resisted rising to basic conversation the bait and stayed silent. Opening their mouths would have risked endorsing Tory dog-whistles like “nuance”, “common-ground” and “individual thought”. Remember, if you don’t talk to her, she can’t suck out your soul. 

Majority non-violent
I do sympathise with the pigs that have to police Extinction Rebellion protests. It’s a difficult balance to strike between the need to enforce the law without causing too much distress to the middle-class protesters having to watch the law getting violently enforced against white van men. My friends Tarquin and Buddleia, who stuck their hands to the tarmac on the M1 the other day, thought The Scum made the right call when they rugby-tackled a skinhead plummer who tried to clear the road of climate saints himself, but — confidentially — they told our XR support group that they wished he’d been roughed up behind closed doors. They had been literally glued to the spot and unable to stop watching as he was whacked with truncheons and bundled away. I know the Feds are on our side, but forcing us to see what they do to climate-deniers is literal violence. Well, figurative-literal violence. The literal violence was thankfully done to the proles.

Gender majority
[TRIGGER WARNING: Violence, Death, Theatre]

After an immensely underprivileged barrister single-handedly forced the Garrick to allow women to become members, Dame Judi Dench was set to become the first after a vote on Friday. But perhaps the club should have stuck to men, after Dench, who used to star in problematic sitcoms before being headhunted to lead MI6 told Radio Times magazine how much she hates trigger warnings, saying: “If you’re that sensitive, don’t go to the theatre” and “Isn’t the whole business of going to the theatre about seeing something that you can be excited, surprised, or stimulated by? It’s like being told they’re all dead at the end of King Lear. I don’t want to be told.” Well I think I speak for all millennials who actually acknowledge their mental health when I say that I do want to be told about problematic things before they happen, otherwise the actors will be performing literal violence on our eyes without our consent, well not literal violence — figuratively-literal… [yes we get the picture -Ed] 

Labour majority
After Esther McVey, the so-called “Minister for the Tory Right”’, said rainbow lanyards in the Civil Service would be banned — everyone was expecting burly men to immediately be positioned outside Whitehall offices ready to rip them them from the throats of unsuspecting officials the very moment they decided to stop working from home. But — and you will not believe this — the new rules suggest the nasty party will not confiscate rainbow lanyards after all. The defensive secretary, Michael Green, told Times Radio: he was “more interested in the jobs that the civil service do” than what they wore. What rot! As I remember from my own civil service days, wearing a lanyard is by its nature very important work — otherwise how do you explain the fact that officials who wore them didn’t manage to get anything else done? Readers may remember that Green, under the pseudonym “Grant Shapps”, urged people to sign up to a “Get Rishi Quick” scheme whilst he was still an MP. How’s that going for you “Grant”? Well at least those libertarian extremists have banned fags. But thankfully at this stage it’s probably easier for a Camel Blue to pass through the eye of a needle than a Rishi man to win an election.