NigeDosh: an urgent appeal
Tonight’s political coverage is repeatedly interrupted by urgent appeals for charities that may or may not be fictional
The final Prime Minister’s Questions before the local elections saw a fiery clash between two leaders both in peril of…
We interrupt this sketch to bring you an urgent appeal on behalf of NigeDosh, the charity for the support of distressed Nigels.
Do you know a Nigel who’s worried about money? Perhaps he’s wondering where the next crate of claret is coming from, or who’s picking up the bill for this plane ticket. It’s a more common problem than a lot of people understand. And that’s why NigeDosh exists.
Here’s an example of just one Nigel that we’ve been able to help. Two years ago, this Nigel was a TV presenter planning his next expedition to the US. Then one day he found £5 million in his bank account, a tax-free gift from a very kind man who wanted nothing in return.
Like any of us when we’re suddenly given millions of pounds for absolutely no reason, Nigel had only one question: “Am I going to have to tell people about this?”
We at NigeDosh had a quick answer to that: absolutely not! Whose business is it of anyone’s if a very kind man is giving millions of quid to a potential prime minister? You only have to look across the Atlantic to see that there are hundreds of completely innocent reasons why rich people want to give money to powerful politicians.
If you’ve got a huge pile of cash you don’t know what to do with, here are just a few ways you can help NigeDosh.
£10,000 will pay for a Nigel and guest to attend the Grand Prix in Abu Dhabi.
£200,000 will secure a Nigel’s time as a brand ambassador for whatever scheme you’re selling.
And just £30 million a year will buy a TV station, guaranteeing round-the-clock fawning coverage of whichever party your particular Nigel is currently leading and ensuring that every other party’s events will feature a reporter asking whether it isn’t time to simply give up and hand power to a Nigel. Because of the UK’s unique media regulation system, it is also perfectly legal for the channel to pay any and all Nigels £3,000 an hour, so you can be sure that the money is going where it’s most needed.
But what will £5 million buy? Well…
We interrupt this charity appeal to bring you a charity appeal on behalf of SoftBall, the campaign for kinder journalism.
Hello. For many of us, April is a time of new life, of blossom on trees and bluebells in the woods. But today I’d like to talk to you about the most delicate flower of all: the populist party leader.
We’ve all seen them, popping up on social media and Question Time, to explain that some of society’s most difficult problems actually have simple one-sentence answers. Whether it’s the plight of refugees or the cost of living, there’s nothing that these guys don’t have a slogan for.
And when you watch them giving glib answers and attacking everyone else for being heartless crooks, you might think they’re pretty tough. That aggression, though, hides a deep vulnerability.
Take “Nige”. In public, Nige likes to project the easy-going image of a second-hand car dealer whose phone stops working just after your exhaust falls off. But ask him a question like “where did all this money come from?” and you’ll see him cry real tears.
We at SoftBall know that things don’t have to be this way. For instance, the right thing to say to a politician who has just come into vast unexplained wealth is: “Lucky you!” Sometimes all it takes is a kind word or two to make the world a better place for everyone. As we say to any political journalist pulling out their notebook: “Is your question really necessary?”
We now return to your previously programmed political sketch.
…a wasteland, as far as the eye could see.
