It might seem strange that after breaking free from the yolk of British Imperialism, the American Empire might suddenly begin celebrating the English patron saint. (Although Otto English reminds us that he was Turkish you racists). But thankfully Vice President Kamala Harris and an old man called Joe, who inexplicably uses the @POTUS Twitter handle, haven’t started celebrating the day a Knight committed aggravated assault on a dragon. They’ve been celebrating St George Floyd of Minneapolis day, happily memory-holing May 25 as the day the Founding Fathers began the US Constitutional Convention — an infinitely less noteworthy event.

Rishi’s Britain
You’d think by now in [INSERT CURRENT YEAR] some of the disgusting and downright barbaric actions of the past would be unthinkable. But in Rishi’s Britain, the cops are still having to stop people praying for babies. I mean, in this video the man was asked “Are you here to pray for the lives of unborn children?” and he said he wasn’t, but probably after watching the very good training video Minority Report, the police gave him a penalty notice anyway. They also asked him “Can your actions be carried out elsewhere?”, which, incidentally, is a good line to try on the Conservative candidate if they knock on your door.

So-called Christian so-called ethics
Last year a so-called Christian lecturer, Dr Aaron Edwards, tweeted that it was “controversial” to accept homosexuality within the Church, and that homosexuality was “sinful”. Thankfully his Methodist Bible College sacked him for “bringing the college into disrepute”. Which is just as well because can you imagine what the impact would be if people thought Christians actually took the Bible seriously? He was also told by the college that he could be reported to the counter-extremist programme Prevent, which is surely the most appropriate use of it. As long as he’s white. Is he white? [Yes — Ed].  Anyway, he’s at an Employment Tribunal hearing this week, and the so-called Christian Legal Centre who are supporting him, have hatefully pointed out that the Methodist church currently holds two contradictory definitions of marriage: “marriage can only be between a man and a woman” and: “marriage can be between any two people”. To which I say, ‘two contradictory statements? — well durr, it’s [INSERT CURRENT YEAR].  For example, when is a foetus an “unborn baby?”  — A: When you’re trying to pray for it outside an abortion clinic.

#NHSerious
We all know the NHS is chronically underfunded and on the verge of privatisation, but one way to solve many of its problems until Sir Keith rides to the rescue is introducing “safe banter”. For example, did you know that joking about “protected characteristics” from the Equality Act can never be banter? So jokes about age, disability, race, sexual orientation, sex or beliefs are always bullying. 45 NHS heroes went to a snappily-titled event called “Stand with me, not by me. Be an ally, don’t bystand, upstand” where they learnt all about the “banter safety checklist”.  For banter to be “safe” everyone has to be included, feel safe and — take note Nish Kumar — find it funny. This time I will not include a witty payoff, to avoid offending any old disabled white gammon straight male brexit readers.

White fragility
Sadly Charlotte Gill didn’t get the memo about bullying. The right-wing founder of “Woke Waste” has continued her hateful research of the tax-payer funded PHD topics of anti-racist campaigners — gleefully repeating them to her philistine followers. Her latest attack was on a PHD wonderfully titled “Crafting counter-hegemony: using porcelain to interrogate constructed ideologies of whiteness and empire” which is… a really good read alright? I’ve definitely read it. Porcelain might not be the most robust material to use in an interrogation, but I’m convinced that whiteness will crack before the bone china does. Ms Daisy Bow du Toit, who is on the same course as the PHD creator has hit back saying Gill has been “putting out horrible propaganda on the internet about wokism and how people are funding these projects”. A rebuttal so incisive, it reminded me of Burke’s cross-examination of Warren Hastings at his impeachment trial.