The Church of England is in turmoil following Justin Welby’s shock resignation. Who will take over Britain’s top church? The Critic is proud to bring you a list of the runners and riders.

Captain Tom

Although technically ineligible because he’s been dead for three years, Colonel Sir Captain Tom is being backed by an unidentified consortium that claims to have identified “underexploited opportunities” in the Church of England. It’s not clear whether these are related to a planning application recently filed for a “Lambeth Palace Miracle Healing Spa™”.

Nicola Sturgeon

She’s a woman, she’s adored by journalists who haven’t followed her career, and at the time of going to press, nothing had been proved against her. Comes with her own Bishmobile, assuming Police Scotland can be persuaded to release it from their evidence lockup.

Liz Truss

Although she’s not a religious person, Truss’s mini-budget showed a capacity for belief in miracles. And her reading at the Queen’s funeral demonstrated the kind of discomfort with the Bible that many senior bishops are looking for from their next leader.

Paddington

The nation’s favourite talking bear has branched out from ladder-and-marmalade-related mishaps in recent years to take on a new role ushering souls into the afterlife. Friends (Mr and Mrs Brown) say he’s keen to also get involved in marriages and christenings, with hilarious consequences.

Rishi Sunak

Has indicated a willingness to step up within two months of Truss being appointed. Not a member of the C of E, or indeed a Christian, but church-watchers say that’s not the block that outsiders might assume. Negotiations currently stuck on whether the job can be done from California.

The Gogglebox Vicar

No one in the ecclesiastical hierarchy knows much about her, but apparently she comes over well on TV, which would be handy in the weeks ahead. Will be invited to apply as soon as the bishops have found out what her name is.

Peter Mandelson

With experience in turning round troubled institutions from Neil Kinnock’s Labour Party to Gordon Brown’s Labour Party, Mandelson is expected to combine the role of archbishop with ambassador to the US and chancellor of Oxford university. He argues this would be straightforward as archbishops only work one day a week.

Donald J Trump

“Lots of people are saying I should do it. Will I? Let’s see. But I’ll tell you, it would be a wonderful, wonderful thing. That church, the Anglians, they’re begging me. All the time, they call me up, day and night, they’re on the phone: ‘Please come, Donald, you’d be the best thing that’s happened to Christianity since Jesus! Maybe longer!’ I don’t know, but that’s what everyone says.”

Dawn French

We’ve had actors who played politicians become politicians, why not have an actor who played a vicar become a vicar? Could usher-in a cosier era for the C of E after its recent turmoil, with all General Synod rows revealed to have been based on a silly misunderstanding within 28 minutes.

Dominic Cummings

After his triumphant management of Boris Johnson and his brilliant advice to Labour that they could only win an election by dumping Keir Starmer, the nation’s Greatest Ever Genius is interested in working with people closer to what he feels is his own level, which is what attracted him to God.  Has already experienced a miraculous healing of eyesight.

Gary Lineker

The world of people who talk on the telly about other people who are on the telly was rocked on Tuesday morning by the news that the loveable football legend would be on the telly less often. Now it seems his step away from Saturday evening telly might have been in preparation for a role with a lot of early Sunday starts. Supporters say his podcasting empire has prepared him for a role managing men who believe they’re God’s gift.

Sue Gray

With time on her hands now that her role as Plenipotentiary Unto The Nations has fallen through, the nation’s leading Machiavellian-schemer is available to bring her magic touch to the established church.

Simon Case

Not actually interested in the role, but keen to apply for any job Gray might get, simply to annoy her.

Morgan McSweeney

Same.

Whomever Rory Stewart doesn’t tip

The political sage is currently understood to be reading as many as five different online articles about who should be the next Archbishop before he pronounces on the likely winner. Bookmakers are said to be especially interested in his prediction.