Wokeminster
Parliamentary civil servants, who are doing a laudable job in getting everyone to go vegan are offering MPs “unconscious bias training” in order to lobotomise make them aware of their unknown prejudices. However up to 40 Conservative MPs have accused parliamentary authorities of “pandering to the woke agenda” which they do not mean as a compliment. Civil servants say they are offering the sessions due to popular demand, which is the same excuse they gave for an omnipresent vegan cake given pride of place in the Commons Terrace canteen. However, just like the cake it now looks like most of the training will go untouched.

Lance the Boyle
Hats off to the BBC for labeling a Critical Race theory seminar as “Comedy” in a secret plot to start a largely peaceful race riot. Below-the-belt Comedian Frankie Boyle, who last year was neutered, reprogrammed and released back into the comedy circuit by Karl Marx and Malcolm X, hosts a show tastefully entitled “New World Order” (ha ha! Hitler! Nazis! funny!) in which his guests spout off about the evils of white people. Well, some white people. The bad white white people who are secretly running and ruining everything. Not them: they’re not those white dudes. I think we can all agree with the funny and charming comediane Sophie Duker when she told viewers: “White power is Trump Tower..when we say we want to kill whitey we don’t really mean we want to kill whitey (we do) but when we say we want to kill whitey, it’s like but not today. Whiteness is a capitalist structure”. The only bit of the show that came close to self-reflection was when fellow comic Sara Pascoe suggested that the phrase “de-fund the police” sounded crazy until you’d learnt “a huge amount”. Which as punchlines go is, well, an absolute knockout. I for one can’t wait until the blissful day more people aren’t so ignorant and actually laugh at it.

This is what goes for @bbccomedy now:
“White power is Trump Tower..when we say we want to kill whitey we dont really mean we want to kill whitey (we do) *laughter* but when we say we want to kill whitey, it’s like but not today. Whiteness is a capitalist structure”@sophiedukebox pic.twitter.com/MbJNHE0piq

— Ben Harris-Quinney #Brexit (@B_HQ) September 15, 2020

The City that Wokes
In this month’s Critic David Starkey quotes the Kalven report on the University of Chicago written in 1967, which declared that the only purpose of a university is the pursuit of knowledge and therefore the university cannot take a collective position on any political issue of the day “without inhibiting that full freedom of dissent on which it thrives”. But today anybody at the University of Chicago wanting to study Post-Grad English will be forced to take “Black studies”, because of the “persistent, recalcitrant anti-Blackness in our discipline and in our institutions” which must be undone, according to the faculty. It does thrill the heart that the University has dropped this dangerous notion of neutrality.

Colston down 
When the Edward Colston statue was dragged through the streets and dumped symbolically lowered* into Bristol harbour it kicked off a wave of delightfully physical wokery in Britain (there’s no force-wielding mob like a force-wielding mob whose heart is in the right place). But now the society named after the Bristol-born philanthropist have decided to disband. The board of the 250-year old charity offered their members three choices: continuing as they were under the Colston name; continuing but under a different name or stop completely. The democratic decision was fusty, slow-paced and consensual, so unlike the thrillingly swift action taken by the beefy Bristol boys of virtue when they pushed down the 125 year old statue. More of this! Less of that! Whoever thought any good could come from due process and voting anyway?

*according to the BBC