A spectre is haunting Europe

“Things that would have provoked utter outrage just a few years ago have now become almost commonplace,” Keir Starmer told us, and just for a moment, you might have imagined he was talking about the Giant Orange Toddler in Washington. But of course nothing could have been further from the truth. For the prime minister, the next four years will be like a Radio 4 panel game where you have to get through a series of press conferences without offending the world’s most thin-skinned man. 

There’s a tendency for journalists to write about Donald Trump as though he were some sort of inscrutable enigma who had to be handled with huge subtlety. Starmer on the other hand has obviously concluded that the president is exactly what he appears: spiteful, vain, utterly uninterested in anyone except himself. The way you deal with people like that is excessive flattery. Yes Donald, your tan looks very natural. As does your hair. Have you lost weight? 

This explains why we have appointed as our ambassador Britain’s smoothest man, Peter Mandelson. Putting him on a plane to the US counts as such a large oil export that we won’t be able to afford it if tariffs rise. But if anyone can ooze sycophancy over the White House, it’s Mandy. 

That wasn’t going to help the prime minister on Monday afternoon in Brussels, though. He was stood next to Mark Rutte, the beanpole Dutchman who runs Nato. Rutte has to deal with the reality that the alliance’s largest member has spent a fortnight talking about annexing other members. 

You could feel for both men: technocrat rationalists, believers in democracy, the rule of law, and the long bend of the universe’s moral arc towards justice, forced to deal with a capricious president who thinks that the biggest bully should get whatever he wants. 

But that’s the game, so off they went. Even before they’d faced a question, Starmer had got his key line out about what a great world leader the Donald was: “President Trump has threatened more sanctions on Russia, and it’s clear that that’s got Putin rattled.” Oh Mr President, you’re so big and tough!

Is it difficult to do this, to pretend that things aren’t as everyone can see they are? It probably helps that Starmer has trained for this: he spent four years pretending he believed that Jeremy Corbyn would be a suitable prime minister. After that, pretending that Trump is a master diplomat is child’s play. 

What, asked a reporter, of Trump’s slapping tariffs on Canada? “There are always issues between allies,” said Rutte. Trade war? Trade tiff, more like! Starmer did even better, talking for a minute and a half without hesitation, repetition, or saying anything of weight at all: trade is good, and Nato is good too. 

How about Greenland, though? Wouldn’t it be tricky if one member of Nato invaded another? Not at all, said Rutte! “I said before what I think is very useful is that President Trump alerted us to the fact that when it comes to the high north, there is a geopolitical and strategic issue at stake.” I don’t know what that means, but it sounds like it’s a shame America hasn’t tried to expand its borders earlier. 

What if Britain had to choose between Europe and America? None of us can really doubt where Starmer’s heart is on that, but he’ll never say it. “Both are important to us.” 

There was time, we were told, for “one more question”. Nearly there, lads! Wasn’t it time for Europe to start planning for its own defence, without America?  

“The assumption that you could run Nato without the US is, for so many reasons, a silly thought,” said Rutte, and that is probably his honest view. As was Starmer’s response: “If you look at our vital interests, it’s really important that we work with both.” So long as they both want to work with us.