This article is taken from the April 2026 issue of The Critic. To get the full magazine why not subscribe? Get five issues for just £5.
From: [email protected]
Actually, I don’t give my children Easter eggs. Why would I tell them the obvious falsehood that a giant bunny had left them a chocolate egg in the garden? How does that prepare them for anything in life? (Except being lied to by this terrible Labour government, obviously!)
from: [email protected]
This is a very important question. When I was growing up in the 1970s, we often couldn’t afford Easter eggs …
from: [email protected]
If YOU want a golden Easter egg, you need to join me and INVEST NOW in Stack Bitcoin! Make the most of the financial genius of former Chancellor Kwasi Kwarteng! Shares are currently at 8p, but YOU can buy them at a special price of 16p if you ACT NOW! Use special code “NIGESENTME” to make sure they see you coming.
from: [email protected]
Easter? Did it happen in Wigan? Then I don’t give a stuff.
from: [email protected]
Ed Davey will be dressing as the Easter Bunny and delivering Creme Eggs to the elderly as he demands the prime minister recall parliament and convene COBRA to address the Cost of Chocolate Crisis.
from: [email protected]
… I can still remember what it was like to sit at the kitchen table dreading the arrival of the Easter Bunny to cut off our phone because we couldn’t pay the chocolate bill …
from: [email protected]
I’ve ordered a huge chocolate egg full of brandy and extra-tar cigarettes to be delivered to Nigel’s house. In fact, I’ve paid the delivery driver extra to leap out and yell “SURPRISE!” as Nigel comes out of his front door, to make it even more memorable.
from: [email protected]
… but to return to your original question, there is a process for delivering Easter Eggs to my children, and we followed that process. It is true that the eggs arrived late and had gone off, and I’ve asked the Prime Ministerial Advisor on Eggs to examine what went wrong. It is very important that we follow that process.
from: [email protected]
Easter is an act of imperialist privilege that wastes energy and destroys the environment. But if you want to make your eggs bigger, I might be able to help with that.
from: [email protected]
How DARE you suggest that I don’t give my children Easter eggs? That is a Labour LIE!
