This article is taken from the March 2026 issue of The Critic. To get the full magazine why not subscribe? Get five issues for just £25.
From: [email protected]
Look, obviously it’s all nonsense, and none of it happened, and I can’t remember it, and it’s not what it looks like. You can say I’ve told friends that I deny everything.
From: [email protected]
Fancy lunch? I thought it might be a good moment to chat about everything, my vision for Britain, and so on. No reason.
From: Tim.Allan@No10
Great to chat earlier. Obviously this is a tight moment for Keir, but I really think we can turn it around with some cutting-edge comms. Which is why I’m excited to announce that I’ve just got myself a pager. Got to go now. Keir’s just asked me to nip into his office. Wants me to pack my stuff up first. Maybe I’m getting Morgan’s desk!
From: [email protected]
Hi there, I was just pondering whether perchance you might like to meet for a coffee, or perhaps we could meet up one evening this week to partake of a beverage or two, if you take my meaning. No reason.
From: [email protected]
This is my triumph! They all laughed when I said I would be prime minister. Well, no one’s laughing now. Labour is in ruins, thanks to MY personal brilliant leadership of the Conservatives and MY personal brilliant investigation of the Epstein files! Nothing stands between me and power!
From: [email protected]
Sorry, can’t talk at the moment. Bit busy getting things in place, if you take my drift.
Help Nigel and his team prepare for Number 10 with Reform’s Sponsor-A-Policy scheme. £10k gets your idea on a corkboard in Nigel’s office. £100k gets it on a beer mat in his local. £1m gets it into the manifesto. Payments in gold via Kazakhstan.
From: [email protected]
Time we caught up! Why don’t you fix a time to swing by my Commons office for a chat about where the country’s going? No reason.
From: [email protected]
NONONONONO, you can’t report that I’m denying everything. My denying of everything is strictly on background. “ITV understands … ” that sort of thing.
From: Angela@LongMaySheRayner.com
Wotcha! Wondering if you fancy a cheeky cocktail or six whilst we talk “Raynerism”. No reason.
From: [email protected]
Well I am denying it. Unofficially, I’m completely innocent, but the public position is No Comment. That’s what my lawyers advise. Something about keeping my options open.
