This article is taken from the June 2026 issue of The Critic. To get the full magazine why not subscribe? Get five issues for just £5.
From: [email protected]
Look, I’m not worried about any of this, it’s a load of fuss over nothing, my lawyers are completely clear that it was all above board.
IT’S NIGE-CASH: Dial 0898-FLEECE-ME to buy your commemorative gold-alike £1 coin celebrating Nigel’s local elections victory. An investment to bring tears to your grandchildren’s eyes. Just £99.99. Not legal tender.
From: John.Stevens@No10
Why are you saying people don’t like Keir? I was on a walkabout with him yesterday, and you should have heard the shouts of support: “Keep moving!” “Up yours!”, all sorts of things. One café owner even invited us to “get stuffed”!
It was heartwarming.
From: [email protected]
CALLING NOTICE: Ed Davey will be running down Richmond High Street covered in orange feathers in the desperate hope that anyone will notice that we actually did quite well at the local elections too.
From: Andy.Burnham@KingoftheNorth
I don’t want to commit myself at this point. It’s a difficult issue where a lot of people have fixed opinions. We’re looking at all the options and weighing the costs and benefits. But I can tell you we’ve got it down to two possibilities: I’d either like coffee or tea.
From: [email protected]
Well, it was below the boards, obviously, until the Guardian got hold of it, which by the way is the real crime here, WHY AREN’T THE COPS INVESTIGATING THAT?
DOCTORS DON’T WANT YOU TO KNOW about this HEALTH MIRACLE! Every Reform membership bought comes with a one-month supply of ULTIMATE-FARAGE-O, proved* to cure baldness and erectile dysfunction. JOIN TODAY!
From: Andy.Burnham@KingoftheNorth
Or water.
From: [email protected]
WHO’S LAUGHING NOW? They said it couldn’t be done, but I’m about to see off my first prime minister! It’s all down to my insistence that we hold this government to account, week after week, on the issues that matter to ordinary people: the Chagos Islands and VAT on school fees. Following my local elections TRIUMPH, everything is heading in one direction for Kemi’s Konservatives.
From: [email protected]
This is just jealousy because I’m the most popular man in the country. That’s why I need round-the-clock protection for the rest of my life.
Can YOU help with Nigel’s security? Anything you can spare will help pay for a man with tattoos to stand outside Reform’s HQ for the next decade. Follow Nigel’s GoFundMe now!
