This article is taken from the June 2026 issue of The Critic. To get the full magazine why not subscribe? Find our subscription offers here.
From: [email protected]
Ay up! There’s nowt so queer as votes, as we say up here in the north, where I am. And that’s the kind of prime minister I promise to be. A prime minister whose values are rooted in the north, set by the north, for decent northern people.
From: [email protected]
Robert, 25 people you know at 10 Downing Street updated their CVs! Why not congratulate them?
From: [email protected]
I’m afraid Nigel’s not doing any interviews about Brexit.
From: [email protected]
Absolutely not! The Makerfield result was actually incredibly positive. That seat was always going to be a tough fight for us, going up against a popular government during the well-known Mid-Term Highs, but I’m proud of every vote we got, and it’s clear that along the length of the country, my revived Conservatives are seen as the real alternative to the Monster Raving Loony Party.
From: [email protected]
But also, to be very clear, a prime minister whose values are those of the south.
From: [email protected]
Look, any suggestion that Nigel might be losing his touch is ridiculous. He’s as spry as any other elderly man with a long history of ignoring the advice of doctors. Just last week I saw him climb some stairs! So don’t anyone come to me with suggestions that Reform would be better off with a younger, slimmer, more energetic leader who has government experience and a wife so rich that he doesn’t need to grub in the dirt for cash!
From: [email protected]
Or his finances. Look, if you want to talk to him, he’s still really cut up about not being invited on Desert Island Discs. Why not come up with a pitch for a more personal interview, where he can talk about his life, how he came to be the man he is, that sort of thing, and I’ll put it to him? You might even be able to do it in one of his houses.
From: [email protected]
And of the east.
From: [email protected]
Well yes, the west, obviously.
From: [email protected]
It’s simple: I’m authentically northern. And also deeply southern, intensely eastern, fundamentally western. Chips and gravy, but also salt and vinegar, and HP sauce, and ketchup, and Worcester Sauce, and Tabasco!
From: [email protected]
Well no, obviously he can’t talk about his schooldays.
