This article is taken from the May 2025 issue of The Critic. To get the full magazine why not subscribe? Right now we’re offering five issues for just £10.
From: [email protected]
OP NOTE: Ahead of local election polls opening next week, Ed Davey will be dunked in a giant vat of rat-infested custard on Friday, to highlight the need for weekly bin collections.
From: James.Lyons@No10
The thing you’ve got to understand about these elections is that we’re going into them with incredible headwinds: inflation, economic uncertainty, £22bn black hole. I honestly reckon it’ll be a huge win for us just to keep the 300-odd council seats we have.
From: [email protected]
Look, these are seats that we won in 2021 when we’d just released the vaccine. So just because we’re going backwards, it doesn’t mean we’re not, in a way, also going forwards. We had nearly a thousand last time. This time, I’ll be relieved with anything over 100.
From: [email protected]
Reform are going to storm these elections. 1,000 seats? 2,000? I don’t know, but it will be a LOT. There’s a revolution sweeping Britain. I honestly wouldn’t be surprised if Keir Starmer just resigns on Friday and tells the King to make me prime minister.
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From: [email protected]
OP NOTE: Ed Davey will be waterboarded by military veterans on Tuesday to show that even torture wouldn’t stop him from voting for cleaner streets and better-run councils.
From: [email protected]
Just a reminder to everyone that local election polls are now open, so reporting restrictions are in place until 10pm.
From: [email protected]
Just amazing. Couldn’t be happier with that result. Reform are on the march!
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From: James.Lyons@No10
That was a triumph! You can report a Number 10 source saying Keir is satisfied but taking nothing for granted and getting on with the job.
From: [email protected]
Actually, given where we started, Kemi is delighted that we didn’t lose more. It’s a total vindication of the decisions she’s taken as leader.
From: [email protected]
OP NOTE: Ed Davey will be using an orange jackhammer today to tunnel under a blue wall to a red bell that he will ring to celebrate the electorate’s decision to call time on Britain’s old politics.
