This article is taken from the May 2026 issue of The Critic. To get the full magazine why not subscribe? Get five issues for just £5.
From: [email protected]
Obviously these are very bad results for Labour, but we shouldn’t rush into anything. This is a moment to take stock and support Keir as he makes the difficult decision to do what is right for the party.
From: [email protected]
IT’S RAYNER TIME!
From: [email protected]
I’m taking nothing for granted, but I think anyone can see that this is the greatest electoral triumph in the history of the world. If you need me, I’ll be packing my stuff ready for my move into Number 10.
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From: [email protected]
I’m simply not going to get into a discussion about leadership issues. Only Keir can decide his future, and he has my complete backing, whether he chooses to make a statement in Downing Street or simply flee over the garden wall.
From: [email protected]
In this election, the people of Britain have struck a blow for the freedom of Palestine! Following our triumph, London’s boroughs are genocide-free! (Except Bromley, for some reason.) Now, why is everyone emailing me about potholes?
From: [email protected]
OPERATIONAL NOTE: Ed Davey will be celebrating our local election triumph by smashing a multicoloured wall of teddy bears with a huge orange hammer, to declare the Year of Orange Crush. Please notice us.
From: [email protected]
I’m delighted with the result. And as we map out the future for Reform, I’ve invited Nigel to join me in the Lake District for a spot of climbing, to be immediately followed by plunging into icy water for a swim.
From: [email protected]
OK sure, but, in this government, I’d argue that no one having any idea what you’ve been doing for the last two years is a positive.
From: [email protected]
Look, when I took over this party, we had just had a terrible election result and were in second place. Now, we’ve had a terrible election result, and, in lots of the country, we’re in third place. And three is a bigger number than two.
Case closed.
