Lord Kronsteen puts his foot down

There’s a lot of negativity about Donald Trump these days, but it’s important to acknowledge that he’s already achieving a great deal. For instance, he’s united almost the entire House of Commons in the view that he’s—

[WE INTERRUPT THIS SKETCH WITH AN URGENT MESSAGE FROM OUR PROPRIETOR, LORD KRONSTEEN, FOUNDER AND CHIEF EXECUTIVE OF CRITICMART.COM]

To all staff,

I’m writing to let you know about a change coming to The Critic’s sketchwriting.

We are going to be sketching every day in support and defence of two pillars: my personal interests, and my business interests. We’ll cover other topics too, of course — the incredible sexiness of short bald men, why warehouse staff don’t need sleep — but viewpoints opposing those pillars will be left to be published by others. And good luck to those others if they currently host their websites on Kronsteen Kloud Komputing.

There was a time when a sketch, especially one that had a local monopoly on jokes quoting both the Book of Common Prayer and Where Eagles Dare, might have seen it as a service to bring to the reader’s phone every evening a broad-based satire that sought to cover the full range of events. Well stuff that. I have tried letting my staff write things I disagreed with, and I did not enjoy the experience.

I am of SPECTRE Britain and for SPECTRE Britain and proud to be so. Our global criminal and terrorist enterprise country did not get here by listening to delivery drivers whining about having to piss in bottles. And a big part of SPECTRE’s Britain’s success has been freedom for rich men to do what they want. Freedom is ethical — it was explained to me by the new White House that if I didn’t “get with the program” I would be free to go out of business — and practical — anyone who doesn’t like this is free to shut up.

I offered Robert Hutton, whom I greatly [put something bland in here — Kronsteen] the opportunity to sketch this new chapter. I suggested to him that if the answer wasn’t “hell yes”, then it had to be the piranha tank beneath his feet. After careful consideration, Robert decided to fall in. I respect his decision. Indeed, I pushed the button. We’ll be searching for a new sketchwriter to own this new direction, or die trying.

I’m confident that free markets and personal liberties are right for me. And if God thought they were right for you, he would have given you $200 billion, wouldn’t he? I also believe the needs of billionaires are underserved in the current market of sketchwriting. I’m excited for us together to fill that void. Or, if you don’t agree, for you to fill the piranha tank.

Lord Kronsteen
The Toady Suite
Mar-a-Lago

Dictated and signed in his absence

[SKETCH RESUMES]

—and bask in the beautiful orange glow of his skin and marvel at his towering genius.