Running down the clock

Keir Starmer’s remaining time answering prime minister’s questions can now be measured in minutes, but no one could accuse him of making the most of it. On Wednesday he continued his habit of offering opening observations about the state of the world. These often have the air of a football team passing the ball around to run down the clock: you don’t begrudge a mention of the Venezuelan earthquake, but did we really need a shout-out for the 78th birthday of the National Health Service?

Apparently we did. Lib Dem MP Al Pinkerton had the first question. “Can I associate myself,” he began, “with both the condolences and also birthday good wishes to the NHS?” It will be a relief to the NHS that Al has associated himself with the good wishes for its 78th birthday. Though we shouldn’t laugh: it’s possible the health service is in a mess because it’s been sulking since everyone forgot its 77th birthday.

The focus of Pinkerton’s question was a complaint about a new hospital being built in his patch in Surrey. That it wasn’t happening fast enough? That there wasn’t the money for it? No: that it will be built on “the last remaining fragment of the ancient Frimley Common”. Gosh, that sounds bad. Although the prime minister’s team had seen this question coming and done some research. Pinkerton, Starmer told us, had called for the hospital to be built and then “urged his constituents to oppose it, because ‘If the hospital goes ahead, there will be no golf course’.”  The chamber fell about, and Starmer delivered a final swipe: “I can’t think of anything more Lib Dem.”

In a rare moment of alignment, Kemi Baenoch took the baton. “Can I associate myself and this side of the House with the prime minister’s comments about Venezuela,” she began, “and also about the Lib Dems?” Even Rachel Reeves laughed at that.

The subsequent exchange exposed the weaknesses of both players more than their strengths. The Tory leader focused on Tuesday’s defence spending announcement. It was not, she said, enough. Starmer replied that it was quite a lot more than the military had been getting two years ago when she was in government. Both these things can be true.

Badenoch’s strength is the total confidence with which she speaks. Her weakness is that a lot of what she says is nonsense. “The threat level has dramatically changed in the two years that the prime minister has been in office!” she declared. Has it? There was a war in Ukraine two years ago, Russia had carried out attacks on British soil two years ago.

Starmer on the other hand struggles as an orator. He had one strong point: that the Conservatives have spent the last two years denouncing the awful state of affairs in which they left the country but have never acknowledged that any of this might in some way be on them. But he somehow couldn’t quite make it. All the ingredients were there, but the cake wouldn’t rise. Behind him were Labour MPs who, content that he’s disappearing soon, would have been quite happy to cheer, but couldn’t work out when to do it.

Ed Davey rose. “Can I not associate myself with the comments about my party?” he began. He wished the England squad all the best for their match against Congo. “I know the prime minister is not the only one struggling for a solid defence plan.” Starmer scribbled something in his file, and we learned what it was a moment later. “I’m not sure about his gag,” he said. “I’m afraid that one is a red card.” This was notable because it seems to have been as close as he gets to off-the-cuff wit. These are both, I’m afraid to say, football jokes so bad that I could have written them. This level of banter is a high price to pay for continued English success in the World Cup.

Davey’s second question was about a British friend with Indian ancestry: “Reform activists came to her door and said that if they get into power, she and her family will have their passports seized and their citizenship revoked.” A few rows behind him Richard Tice waved his order paper dismissively, though it was unclear whether he was saying that this couldn’t have happened, or that it didn’t matter.

The prime minister looked concerned. “Racism and intolerance is permeating everywhere,” he said. He’d been, he said, at any event marking the anniversary of the murder of Jo Cox. “The very sad thing is, I was not able to say that in the 10 years since Jo’s death things have got better, because sadly they’ve got worse.”

Starmer has less than three weeks in Downing Street. Time is running out for him to do something with them

You couldn’t argue with the sentiment. Even Nigel Farage, on a rare visit to Parliament between product endorsements, wore a concerned face. But the inescapable thought was that, on Starmer’s watch, the situation has got noticeably worse. And this is not, for once, an area where he can blame the Tory legacy or a shortage of cash. Time and again, as racists have marched through our streets, the prime minister has failed to rise to the occasion. Even now, his government conducts much of its public outreach on X, a platform whose owner is doing his best to encourage a racial civil war in our country.

Starmer has less than three weeks in Downing Street. Time is running out for him to do something with them.