In remarks reminiscent of George Bush in front of that ill-fated “Mission Accomplished” banner, Lisa Nandy, the Secretary of State for Culture Wars, Media and Mixed-Sport, declared recently that the culture war was over. Despite the failures of the Iraq war-criminal Bush, and the subsequent rise of freedom-fighting austere clerics in the region after his banner was unveiled, the signs are good that Lisa’s attempt to end a war will work this time (Notwithstanding that little niggle of Hilary Cass and her so-called empirical research into trans youth). One good example is in #OurNHS, where staff have been told to wear stickers displaying their pronouns to help affirm trans-children and put up posters that suggest when it comes to telling their bigoted carers about their new gender, mum’s birthing-parent’s the word. Trans-healthcare coordinator Jason Wood-Ives told a GP conference: “You don’t need to have a GRC (gender recognition certificate) or anything to change your gender identity within the NHS, it’s as simple as asking the admin”. The conference was also told that the progress flag should also be displayed in surgeries to show that, despite the fact that boring real-world things like waiting-lists — or leukaemia — can’t be done-away with a magic wand, your gender can be. Mission Accomplished! #DespiteCass

Not getting the memo
Despite a decent effort on the part of the Government, rich conservatives still exist in the UK, and one of them is determined to fight the culture war that Lisa Nandy has definitely just ended. Britain’s second-richest man, Sir Leonard Blavatnik, is one of the biggest backers of a new “anti-woke” university. The University of Austin launched in Texas last month with 92 students and has so far raised £153m. Their motto, “dare to think”, is surely an attack on the Labour cabinet, and Blavatnik should be treated by UK authorities accordingly.

Paint job
Right-wing hacks have been complaining that Keir Starmer has spent his first 100 days locked in power struggles and can’t get anything done. And yet the Telegraph of all papers is outraged that he’s removed several portraits from Downing Street. If so-called “journalists” had spent any time trying to get hold of the Government Art Collection (GAC) themselves, they might instead be praising our beloved Prime Minister’s bureaucratic win. Readers may be shocked to learn I was once an aide in the heart of the Tory regime — in disguise, I assure you — and the hardest people to contact of all were the GAC. It was rumoured that the Foreign Office had friendlier relations with the Strategic Council for Argentine Malvinas (SCUM) than the GAC, and that wasn’t just because they were itching to give away as much territory as possible. Portraits of William Gladstone, Elizabeth I, Sir Walter Raleigh and Margaret Thatcher have all been purged by Sir Keir. Even if they wanted to keep racists and monetarists on the walls of No.10, can’t right-wing reporters at least celebrate a rare victory against the blob?

[BOWSTRING WARNING]
Pagans look away now, as an ancient text has been found to include some positive references to Christianity. But enough about The Mail on Sunday. The University of Nottingham has added a caveat to Geoffrey Chaucer’s The Canterbury Tales saying readers should be advised that it contains “expressions of Christian faith” but avoided warning the vulnerable students that it also contains rape and anti-Semitism. What is anti-Semitism anyway? Like a “woman”, it’s impossible to define without being an expert, so I don’t think we should try. Whereas exploring “Christian faith” — although not yet criminalised — is very well defined, and the one taboo students should never, ever explore. When I attended university, I was saddened to discover Chinese students being exposed to expressions of Christian faith, something the benevolent CCP had previously shielded them from. It’s basically abuse, because orientals aren’t born with the gene that allows humans to ingest a moderate amount of Christianity without it having any impact on their work or relationships. But hopefully in the not too distant future, trigger warnings will be replaced by the bonfire and even our native offspring will never again suffer the indignity of being told their sins need forgiving.

X-Files
I think I speak for all of us when I say we were triggered seeing that picture of Elon Musk literally jumping with joy behind Donald Tr**p at one of his rallies. We all knew they were working hand-in-tiny-glove, but snakes alive, an actual pictorial representation of their shadowy collusion! Maybe their agenda will one day be revealed in an exhaustive series of files, showing us just how agenda-y their agenda was along? The world’ll really sit up and take notice then.