Rachel Reeves, the Chancellor of the Exchequer, is a woman. This is an ongoing news story and we’re establishing the facts as they come in, but hot on the heels of that bombshell, Ms Reeves has released a video of her doing a deep dive into the previous occupants of the role by walking the stairs in No.11 and looking at the portraits — shockingly discovering that all of them have been men. As always, the anti-trans-lobby wants to spoil the moment by quoting Reeves saying that anybody can identify as a woman. But putting the hate to one side, there have been a staggering number of glass ceilings shattered along with the arrival of Labour. Foreign Secretary David Lammy has released a video declaring his big achievement was him being the first black man from Tottenham to become Foreign Secretary. (Evil Tory James Cleverly had spoiled it a bit, having been a black Foreign Secretary before him). But there are many more transparent-roof-breaking-achievements yet to be uncovered. Whilst the Labour top team are obviously too busy going to Taylor Swift concerts and trying on new glasses modest to mention them all, I am proud to bring you: 

The Critic’s guide to Labour’s most excellent glass-ceiling smashing achievements:

Keir Starmer — The first Prime Minister ever to have attended St Edmund Hall college, Oxford. The marginalised St Edmund Hall alumni have overcome the prejudice of attending a college that, whilst being exceptionally old, built some of its campus in the 1960s. Previous attendees have become broadcasters (Robin Day), National Newspaper editors (Lionel Barber) and “comedians”, (Al Murray). But never before have St Edmund alumni smashed the 12th Century ceiling and become Prime Minister.

Ed Miliband — The first child of Ralph Miliband to become Energy Secretary. Sons of the Marxist professor have become Foreign Secretary, DEFRA Secretary, the Minister for Local Government, and even Leader of the Labour Party. But never before has one of them dismantled the green ceiling to become the Secretary of State for Energy Security and Net Zero.

Hilary Benn — The first fourth-generation MP to join the Cabinet. There are so few MPs who have parents, grandparents, and great-grandparents who have been MPs that “fourth-generation MP” should be a protected category under the Equality Act. The fact that Hilary overcame the odds to become Northern Ireland Minister is surely a huge step forward for equality. It’s thought that he’s the only one of his kind left in the wild. 

Yvette Cooper — The first woman to have become a Secretary of State in the same department her husband had previously only shadowed — The Mainstream media won’t report this, but Ms Cooper has managed to become Home Secretary whereas her husband’s biggest achievement in this particular area was becoming shadow Home Secretary. This is a true victory for gender subversion and Ms Cooper should be given extra credit for getting there without adopting her husband Ed’s glamorous but deeply masculine surname, which, in our deeply patriarchal society, would have undoubtedly propelled her career much further.

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[If the Cabinet wants to use any of these incredible stories for upcoming videos, I will gladly grant them gratis, as long as Sue Gray gives me a pass to No.10. Thankfully for the Labour party, the list can go on and on forever and if we’re lucky we’ll still be watching inspiring humble-brag videos that will make us weep until 2028.]

Cry havoc and let’s snip the dogs of war
Outdated gendered-terms like “seaman” and “airman”, have already been replaced by “seafarer” and “aviator” by the military, but the Daily Mail is still frothing about the Royal Marines renaming training exercises from “Final Thrust” and “Violent Entry” which have problematic and sexual commonations, to more female-friendly manoeuvres like “Commando Forge” and “Green Salamander”. It’s progress, but why can’t we go further? “Ongoing Dialogue” or  “Consensual Entry”, are more educational names for training exercises and, along with compulsory castration, would help to get rid of any remaining toxic masculinity in our armed forces. That advert where they told you you can cry in the army was a good start, but I won’t be happy until the only thing you’re allowed to do in the army is cry. You’ll either cry with happiness that the army is so progressive, or cry with sadness because the army so progressive. I don’t care which.

The real victims
It’s bad that a Rotherham girl was groomed and assaulted from the age of 11, but it’s unforgivable that she has called for the deportation of her attackers. Thankfully a Judge ordered the rape gang survivor to remove that part of her victim impact statement before the court could be polluted by it — but GB News has seen the original un-redacted conclusion which reads: “I’d like to request that after sentencing and upon Rudy and Showabe’s release, that they should be deported back to Pakistan as this is where they originated from and came here to exploit children. Thank you.” If you’re struggling to know why this crossed the line, please try my handy guide to politically correct victim impact statements:

“Thoughts and prayers with the other victims”  — Acceptable
“Thoughts and prayers with the attackers”  — Good
“This crime has nothing to do with race” — Very good
“Deport the scum” — Racist

You’re allowed to be a victim, but please try not to go off script.

Lesser-spotted Robin
How will we cope? Our dear leader Robin DiAngelo, American academic and author of unreadable bestselling books like White Fragility, Me and White Supremacy, and Is Everyone Really Equal? — the birthing-parent of modern Critical Theory — has died. Well, virtually died. That is to say, deleted her Twitter account after a critical documentary was released about her (She only likes criticism in theory). How will we cope? Well, if the 68-year-old were still with us, she’d no doubt tell us that it isn’t for her to wipe away our white tears. After all, she wrote a book called I Am Not Your Baby Mother. Which is factually true, as there is no record of her having any children — something Trump’s hateful running mate JD Vance has probably already noticed.