All behind you, Volodymyr

Keir Starmer began Prime Minister’s Questions at his most headmasterly, reading out the names of seven British soldiers whose deaths in Afghanistan have their anniversaries this week. “These men fought and died for their country,” he went on. “Our country.” It wasn’t subtle, but on the off-chance that his meaning had escaped anyone, he went on: “Across the wars in Afghanistan and Iraq, 642 individuals died fighting for Britain alongside our allies.”

It’s interesting that, given the huge emphasis he places on sucking up to Donald Trump, Starmer felt comfortable offering a barely-coded rebuke to the president’s henchman, JD Vance. Perhaps he felt it was important to signal to veterans that they aren’t forgotten. Or perhaps this was as close as he dared go to giving the Vice President the punch in the face for which he really does seem to be begging.

Wednesday’s session was a strangely muted affair. MPs listened in silence — really, actual silence — as Kemi Badenoch asked a series of questions about Ukraine and the US. They have a lot to come to terms with. Labour MPs elected thinking they were going to save the NHS will instead be explaining that the cash is needed for guns and tanks. Meanwhile Tory MPs who thought they understood the world are seeing their Republican allies across the Atlantic acting like agents of Russia. One of them would later ask a question about food security, and the thought occurred that as things stand, World War 3 might see America sending aid convoys to our enemy, not us.

To restore the natural order of things, Mike Tapp asked the most grovelling question we’ve heard in months

The Tory leader opened by asking about Volodymir Zelensky and Trump: “What is the prime minister doing to help rebuild their relationship after a challenging week?” It was such an underarm ball that Labour party whips would have been justified in worrying that their list of Easy Questions For Ambitious Backbenchers had been hacked. 

Her next line could also have come from a Labour backbencher, though possibly one of the Jeremy Corbyn intake: an attack on British peacekeepers in Ukraine might see us in confrontation with Russia. “Can the prime minister reassure all those who are concerned about the UK being drawn into war?” Fortunately, he could. 

“The prime minister is quite right,” Badenoch said, “and we on the opposition side of the House agree with him.” This was all getting a bit much. With another Tory leader, you might have wondered if Starmer was being led into a trap, but Badenoch seemed genuinely determined not to allow a cigarette paper between herself and the government.

Only on the final question of her six did she take a shot, suggesting that the government’s economic plans were stifling growth. “We were doing so well!” the prime minister joked, and even Badenoch laughed at that. In many ways it had been one of her most effective sessions of PMQs, in that she made it all the way through without being hit by a put-down. Though of course it’s supposed to be prime ministers, rather than opposition leaders, who worry about surviving the session.

In other areas, Starmer is showing that he can swerve with the best of them. For all that the Tories taunt him as a lawyer, his training has left him equipped to give answers that look a lot more solid than they are. Should the loathsome Tate brothers be extradited? “Justice must be done in all cases.” What did he think about the Clonoe Inquest verdict blaming British soldiers for killing IRA members in 1992? “I have not seen the details, I am afraid, so I cannot comment.” Try proving that someone has seen “details”.

Next to him sat Rachel Reeves, her face as immobile as a gambler in the final of a poker championship. By some miracle, she manages to make it even stonier whenever a Labour MP asks for something that might cost money. Only when Emma Lewell-Buck asked for a national register of asbestos locations did it shift, looking, for a moment, very slightly sadder. Sorry Emma, we need that cash for bullets.

The cross-party unity couldn’t last. Oliver Dowden asked about the VAT hike on private schools, which he claimed was closing two places on his patch. Starmer responded as he always does, by saying that parents who can’t afford private schools also have aspirations for their children, and that now they have teachers as well. “There is no point the Conservatives pretending that they are interested in state education when they left them without the teachers they needed,” he said.

This prompted a roar of protest from the Tories, in the midst of which Victoria Atkins could be heard shouting “That is a lie!” Labour MPs in their turn yelled and pointed, rousing Lindsay Hoyle, the Speaker, who might otherwise have been dozing off. “I presume something was said that should not have been said,” he said, looking sternly at the opposition benches. “Withdrawn,” said Atkins, somewhat sulkily. 

To fully restore the natural order of things, Labour MP Mike Tapp set out to ask the most grovelling question the chamber has heard in months. “These are delicate moments for the country, and the prime minister has led with British values, moral courage and decency, as a true statesman, and with skilled and careful diplomacy,” he began. Up in the press gallery, there were gasps of admiration for this shameless job application. Even on his own side, colleagues looked a little queasy. But over on the opposition benches, Dowden looked impressed. He is the greaser’s greaser, and it takes a lot to stir him. Tapp will go far.