Wheel of fortune
The Church of England has brilliantly used this in a presentation to be shared at all of their schools to find out how privileged you are. If you’re in the inner wheel for everything then you’re super privileged which means you are not privileged in certain circles, but if you’re not privileged, then you’re privileged in more progressive circles. It’s a bit like when Jesus said “the first shall be last, and the last shall be first”, but to update it for CRT, imagine he said: “The neurodivergent black homeless shall be normal white homeowners”. Oh no that’s wrong. Let me try again: “The non-English speaking fat lesbian shall be English, slim and straight.” Oh dear, I’m being reported to HR again.

#FundOurNHS
Right-whingers are complaining that the NHS is wasting money looking for a “Equality, Diversity and Inclusion Lead” in Cambridge. Labour Councillor Jack Deakin, an NHS worker and member of LGBT Labour, hit back at the haters on Twitter by saying: “these roles are proven to increase productivity & and retention”. When he was asked for the evidence by trolls, he had to go and wash his hair or attend a wellness seminar or something so was unable to reply. Just because conservatives don’t understand DIE jobs, doesn’t mean they are not vital to the running of our country. If #OurNHS is willing to pay a starting salary of £81,000 then it must be pretty important, especially when you consider Yorkshire Ambulance Service are only offering up to £57,000 to recruit a Cyber Security Specialist. We all benefited from IT experts when the internet went down last month. I’m sure during the current UK-wide race riots integration malfunction, equality officers are working hard on the front line, by tweeting a mixture of platitudes and abuse, appropriately aimed at each side of the community.

The empire strikes back
If you don’t want mass immigration now, then why did your seventeenth century ancestors land in Barbados? The brilliant message of this new billboard campaign is that immigration is your fault. Obviously we love immigration, it’s made us happier and wealthier, but it’s also karma because of your great great great grandfather’s decision to take Jamaica from the Spanish. If that doesn’t make sense then you may not have heard of Freud’s kettle logic, in which a man covers all his bases in an argument by contradicting each of his previous points. It’s a great concept to bring to the so-called immigration “debate” because you can tailor your contradictions to both liberals and bigots and still win every time.

Inclement language
Rail companies think the word “terminate” is too hard to understand, so it’s the end of the line for the phrase “This train terminates here”, hatefully heard at announcements all over the country.  It will be replaced with the much more inclusive “this train ends its journey here”. Tony Maher from the Plain English Campaign approves, and says it will be good for those who don’t speak English as a first language. Maher is right. Whenever you hear the phrase on a train, you can see that the non-natives who sit on the outer wheel of fortune don’t understand what’s going on. They look around warily and collect their bags as if to leave the country. I’d like to suggest some inclusive alternatives for the medical world too. Instead of “terminating” a pregnancy we could say: “This baby ends its journey here”. Only once we detoxify language can we have a truly safe world for all people.

Three times a lady
When will the prejudice against XY-chromosomes end? Two boxers Imane Khelif, a 25-year-old welterweight from Algeria and Lin Yu-ting, a 28-year-old featherweight from Taiwan were both banned by the International Boxing Association because they had XY chromosomes and high testosterone levels, but thankfully the inclusive Olympic Committee let them compete as hard as possible against the faces of XX chromosome-carriers. Italy’s Angela Carini, who lost to Khelif after 46 seconds, was at least a good sport, tacitly complimenting the Algerian’s prowess by complaining she had been “hit so hard she couldn’t breathe”.  Even the S*n is supporting the XY-ers God-given right to hit XX-ers. Clemmie Moodie, the Scum’s assistant editor says it’s fine because they aren’t transgender. She singled out notable XY-carrier JK Rowling for “Stirring up her cauldron of hatred and winding up the ill-informed masses.”