It comes earlier every year! The annual faux concern from British Broadcasting Colonisation employees about the melodic violence done to minorities during the last night of the Proms. If you don’t already know, “Land of Hope and Glory” is a Xenophobic ode to a racist birthing-parent, and “Rule Britannia” contains a line where Britain supposedly becomes “More dreadful from each foreign stroke” — a clear attack on immigrants with brain clots. But despite annual promises to scrap the words, the hypocritical BBC still profits from frothing Brexiteers who probably only pay their licence fee to watch the Proms and Nigel Farage on Question Time. This time Proms host Katie Derham has made a nod to decency by acknowledging that the lyrics to Rule Britannia are “incredibly problematic” but still is happy to host the show and still calls them “classical bangers”. Huh? Well at least the European Union Flags keep flying. A project to centralise European Nations could never be guilty of Imperialism.

Testing, testing 123
Teaching Unions are putting pressure on their political wing to call time on times tables, reports The Times. Compulsory times tables exams were scrapped during War 2 by Winston “known racist” Churchill, presumably so that children could focus more on war work and phrenology. But they were reintroduced by the Conservatives in 2018 for Year 4 pupils, to wickedly allow native children to out-compete the flood of Phd candidates arriving by boat from war-torn France. I guess since mental health is just as valid as physical health, trying to stretch children mentally should be viewed the same as trying to stretch them physically, i.e with a rack. Perhaps educationalists that try to expand young minds should be banged up for cranial distortion? A Union source told the Sunday Telegraph: “The times tables tests should become optional. We are not saying children shouldn’t learn times tables. They are really helpful. But the need to have the times table check is a bit of an unnecessary waste of time”.  Oh right, ok then I get it now, it’s all right to get kids to learn the stuff, but they obviously don’t need to be tested on it, because they really will do it — promise! And the teachers really will teach it — double promise! (After a successful lobotomy, I too believe my son when he tells me he’ll tidy his bedroom.) There’s so much trust going around between the Government and the Unions that we don’t need to waste time asking for results before giving out prizes, just ask the BMA. After successful trials in the NHS, I am lobbying the Education Minister for this concept to be applied to school Sports Day. After all, the Olympic Committee already trusts transwomen not to be men without the need for testing. They just ask the athlete: “Are you actually a man?” and the transwomen hoarsely replies: “No, I am a lady”. It’s called a gentleman’s agreement.

Absolute state
Life is undoubtedly better under Labour, but for some lucky Ilford residents they are even more under Labour than the rest of us. Some unfortunate slum dwellers tenants have a Labour Government, a Labour council, and a Labour MP, Jas Athwal, who owns their flat. This makes it so easy to sort out the ant infestation and the black mould they keep suffering from, because when their Landlord doesn’t bother doing anything, they can call the exact same number to speak to their MP. Mr. Athwal, who once tweeted, “Rogue landlords, we are coming for you”, introduced a property licence scheme as Redbridge Council leader, but has now managed to break his own rules as a landlord. We should cut him some slack though, he’s trying to single-handedly run the borough, whilst his feckless tenants can’t even keep his homes clean.

Silent as a Lammy
When Sir Martin Moore-Bick was appointed to lead the Grenfell Tower inquiry, Foreign Secretary David Lammy, (who we’re counting on to keep cutting the number of UK defence contracts to the genocidal maniacs in Tel Aviv), said a “white, upper-middle class man”, who had “never” visited a tower block housing estate shouldn’t have been appointed. But despite the fact that Sir Martin has never started dropping his H’s or blacked up, his recently released report wasn’t the whitewash Labour MPs like Lammy thought it was going to be. How do we explain this conundrum without committing a thoughtcrime? Despite his skin tone, Sir Martin blamed “unscrupulous” building companies that covered Grenfell in combustible cladding, rather than acting to type, that is, to blame the immigrant residents for their faulty fridges. Lammy hasn’t apologised yet, but why should he? This government is more about vibes than, you know, what’s actually true. And Netanyahu is basically white, right?

Your truth
Primary School children in Scotland are being told that trans people are murdered “simply because they try to be themselves” in lessons about hate crime. Truth-absolutists might point out that just because no known murder of a trans person has ever taken place in Scotland, this means the school in Edinburgh, which is a member of an excellent charter scheme run by LGBT Youth Scotland, is guilty of a huge lie. But let’s not be so binary about the so-called “truth” when it comes to these claims. A number of factors could explain the apparent mismatch between what is actually going on, and the lived experience of trans people.

1. The statisticians are lying

The children were told trans people are facing a “genocide”. This is true, but the evil criminal justice statisticians won’t record the figures because they are complicit in trans murders.

2. Anti-trans activists might have wanted to kill trans people, but were prevented from doing so by Scotland’s hate crime laws

Trans youth may have already got their transphobic parents banged up before they committed the murder, just by listening in at the door as their Dad said something transphobic to their birthing parent like “It’s probably just a phase”

3. Scotland’s unbearable prisons put off would-be trans murderer

Ex Scottish First Minister Humza Yousaf once spent £6m of taxpayers’ money on a humanitarian effort buying mobile phones for Scottish prisoners. But the SNP scheme has now been scrapped and the mobile phones confiscated, which means Alba’s prisoners now have fewer human rights than Gulag detainees — making transphobes think twice before pulling the trigger.