After a hiatus of three years, Scullionbait — the column that tracks the glorious deconstruction of the Western world — has returned. I will spare you the terrible details of my absence, but suffice to say it has included long stretches of time where I was forced to maintain the existence of a small human being who has zero regard to how much sleep I have had or how little I have been able to check Twitter. My NHS health app says this is literal violence so I have referred the tiny terrorist, (and plagiariser of my face and DNA), to the Hague where he awaits trial.

Anyway, back to me…

Recently I’ve noticed a horrible phenomenon which is people on the Right of politics (For “Right” read “Wrong”, or “Nazi”) thinking they can try the same tricks honest journalistic techniques that we on the Left (for “Left” read “Right”, or “Allies”) have been doing for years. 

I draw your attention to a specimen called “Charlotte Gill” who, like a KGB honeytrapper, has been sending the same graphic and unsolicited question to academics and public bodies: “Who f***s you”. The mere question, (which I have tastefully censored) is a staggeringly rude thing to say to the tireless souls who graciously and selflessly accept cash in order to contribute to the public good by researching topics like “The Europe that Gay Porn Built, 1945-2000” (which was a bargain at £840,000). 

Of course, this question is as uninteresting as it is hateful. The answer is nearly always “you”, the taxpayer, which is as it should be. You only need to be worried when the answer to Gill’s indelicate question is private individuals or corporations, because they must literally be insane mental-health-aware to put their hands into their own pockets to support something other than themselves. The British state is supporting genocide in Gaza for which I will NEVER pay my taxes. But somehow this will not prevent me from accepting yours.

I’m so pleased with the new trend of casting actors with less problematic skin tones in historical dramas. Google’s new AI bot Gemini has taken this ethnic cleansing to heart. When asked to depict Vikings, it made them black women. When asked for pictures of Nazis, it generated an image of swastika-clad soldiers of different ethnicities. If only we had had the chance to see what Nazis could have done with greater representation.

The legacy of the civil rights movement will be complete when asian, black, and brown children can ask “Mummy, when I grow up, can I be a National Socialist?” and their birthing-parent can truthfully answer, tears in their eyes, “Fatima, you might already be a Nazi, you just don’t know it yet”.

The Muslim students who wanted to turn the secular Michaela school in Wembley into central Islamabad by kneeling to pray en masse in the school playground during lunch time, have sadly lost their High Court challenge against the ban. It beggars belief that Christian students are still allowed to silently pray (although thankfully not outside an abortion clinic). I’ve watched enough BBC history by now to know that Muslims have been praying in Britain since the black-skinned Scandinavians burned down a Mosque at Lindisfarne. 

The last time I wrote this column, it seemed likely that the Conservative party would continue their hateful reign forever. Now Sir Keith looks set to take the keys to No.10 I’ve come to appreciate the immense skill of the Tory Party to look like they’re opposing the revolution most of the time whilst still encouraging it to happen.  In using disgusting phrases like “national borders”, “energy security” and “biological sex” we believed they were the champions of the liberal Western order, but have we misjudged them?

Who could have dared dream in the dying days of Saint Anthony’s New Labour government, that over ten years of Tory rule later so much could have been achieved? No new Nuclear Power stations built, 20 mile an hour speed limits in Wales, the Government can shut down churches to save the NHS (Peace Be Upon It), the National Trust hates itself, the RNLI provides a taxi service to immigrants over the English Welcome Channel, and the Government is banning smoking.  It seems the sly Conservatives were quietly doing their best to destroy the heteronormative patriarchal cis-white western supremacy all along. 

And as much as we love to hate the right-wing press, credit where it’s due, MailOnline is very good at using the correct pronouns, and a recent Spectator editorial, whilst applauding the hateful bigot Dr. Hilary Cass and her trans-bashing report, accepted the premise that it’s okay to chop bits off or add bits on to people if they feel like they’re in the wrong body. Result! 

I sometimes wonder, do we even need Sir Keith?