Agincourt in the act

“This is just craven and contemptible surrender,” Rear Admiral Chris Parry was fuming. Furious. Mad as hell, and not taking it any more. Enough? He’d had it. Back teeth? He was sick to them.

Every man, as fans of Charles Bronson and Clint Eastwood will know, has his limit. The point past which he cannot be pushed. Four decades ago Parry, then a lieutenant on board a Wessex 3 helicopter, fired the opening shots of the battle to reclaim the Falkland Islands when he dropped depth charges onto an Argentine submarine. Now he had returned at his country’s hour of need. What had triggered his ire? Why had he steamed up on Times Radio, guns bristling? Late on Sunday, the Royal Navy had announced that its new attack submarine would be called HMS Achilles. Which is a perfectly good name for one of His Majesty’s ships, but not the name it had originally been given. No, that was HMS Agincourt.

The reason given for this by the Navy was that it seemed a bit off to launch a ship named after a French defeat on the anniversary of the end of the Second World War. This seemed a little, well, wet: did the British complain about fighting alongside the USSes Lexington and Yorktown? 

And you could see how this one is going to pan out, as surely as a French cavalry charge across muddy terrain. “This is just craven political correctness and ideology gone mad,” Parry fumed. 

He knew who was to blame, of course: our cowardly Labour government. “It seeks to erase our history and anything we need to be proud of.” This seemed a bit harsh, given the efforts to which Keir Starmer goes to be conspicuously patriotic. A significant cause of congestion on our roads is vans carrying union jacks to flutter behind the prime minister wherever he is speaking.

Perhaps Labour might deliberately have done this purely to wind Conservatives up

We learned that the Navy had been working on the name change for some time. Indeed, Grant Shapps let it be known that he had blocked it when he’d been defence secretary. Was it wise for Shapps to get involved in a story about changing names? Possibly not, but sometimes a man must stand up. “Renaming the HMS Agincourt is nothing short of sacrilege,” he announced, not at all hysterically. “Under Labour, woke nonsense is being put ahead of tradition and our Armed Forces’ proud heritage.”

Did this all feel a tiny bit tedious? Furious voices rallied to the flag. If they were marked to be quoted, they were enough to pad out any story. And if some of them were cut, the fewer names, the greater share of honour. He that hath no stomach for this row, let him depart.

What, Parry asked, would be next? Should we rename Trafalgar Square and Waterloo Station? Gavin Williamson, who competes with Shapps for the title of “most unlikely defence secretary” suggested that HMS Victory would be renamed “HMS Defeat”. Around this point the thought crossed the mind that Labour might deliberately have done this purely to wind Conservatives up.

Over at GB News, there was an effort to explain Our Precious History to those who, doubtless due to left-wing councils, were a bit shaky on the details of the battle in question: “The name Agincourt holds deep cultural significance, particularly through Shakespeare’s Henry V, famously portrayed by Kenneth Branagh in a 1989 film.” One imagines the Bard sucking on his quill and thinking: “This will make a terrific movie. I wonder if they’ll be able to get Brian Blessed.”

On the fury rolled. The prime minister’s spokesman was asked whether Starmer was “proud of our role at the Battle of Agincourt.” It seems highly unlikely he has ever given it much thought. 

But any that outlives this day and comes safe home will stand a tiptoe when the story is recalled. Then will he pull out his phone and say: “These quotes I gave the Telegraph.”

Old men forget: yet shall all be forgot but he’ll remember with advantages — especially, let’s face it, in Shapps’ case — what feats he did that day. 

And gentlemen in England not on Twitter shall think themselves accursed they were not there, and hold their manhoods cheap whilst any speaks that fought with Parry about HMS Agincourt.