The Gospel of Donald
An exclusive look into the Bible according to Trump
As Donald J Trump takes the oath of office in the Capitol Rotunda on Monday, his hand may, according to Fox News, be resting on a copy of the “God Bless The USA Bible”, a special edition of scripture marketed by a team of people around the president who feel that the life-changing words of Jesus Christ just aren’t expensive enough.
This will be the first inauguration in decades not to take place outside, possibly because the Secret Service judged that if the president was indoors, any bid to cash in on the living word of God would be less likely to be interrupted by a lightning bolt.
But what is the Trump Bible, as it’s known? Lovingly machine-bound in genuine plastic, it skips the maps, footnotes, cross-references and alternate translations popular with lesser editions, and instead features the lyrics of “God Bless The USA”, a non-canonical psalm, the Declaration of Independence, the US Constitution, the Bill of Rights and the Pledge of Allegiance. Copies can be yours for as little as $59.99 plus taxes and shipping.
Today The Critic is proud to bring you excerpts from the ONLY translation of Holy Scripture to be endorsed by the former owner of the Trump Plaza Casino.
The Gospel of Matthew
Now the birth of Jesus Christ was on this wise: When as his mother Mary was espoused to Joseph, before they came together, she was found with child of the Holy Ghost. Well, that was what she said, and a lot of people didn’t believe her, they said nasty, nasty things about her, and maybe those things were true, I don’t know, but a lot of people said them.
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Now Jesus was born in Bethlehem of Judæa in the days of Herod the king. And he was a great king, really the biggest king in that whole area, and he lived in a wonderful, wonderful palace, you should have seen it, lot of gold fittings, very upper class, very stylish, a lot like one of my hotels. And behold, there came wise men from the east, I don’t know exactly where they came from or how they got across the border, that’s something we’re going to have to look into, you can’t have people coming across your border, especially from the east, where they believe a lot of things, some of them good, a lot of them bad, people don’t like it when you say it but it’s true. Anyway these men were wise, maybe they were the wisest men ever until I got on the scene.
And they were saying, Where is he that is born King of the Jews, for we have seen his star in the east and are come to worship him?
When Herod the king had heard these things, he was troubled, and all Jerusalem with him. Because you know Herod was a guy with a lot on his mind. People think it’s easy being king but it’s not. It’s easy for me, everyone said I make it look so easy, but all the other leaders said unto me Donald it’s so hard being in charge how do you make it look so simple?
And when the wise men were come into the house, they saw the young child with Mary his mother, and fell down, and worshipped him: and when they had opened their treasures, they presented unto him gifts; gold, crypto, and lifetime Mar-a-Lago membership. And Mary treasured these things in her heart, because these were classy, classy gifts priced at levels you can afford for any birthday, especially if you apply for a pre-approved Trump Credit loan. Terms and Conditions applieth.
And being warned of God in a dream that they should not return to Herod, the wise mendeparted into their own country another way. Which was a nasty sneaky thing to do. They lied. And for what they did, they should go to jail.
Then Herod, when he saw that he was mocked of the wise men, was exceeding wroth, and sent forth, and slew all the children that were in Bethlehem, from two years old and under. And there was weeping in Rama and there was a lot of unpleasant things said about the soldiers who did it, and that guy Rubens, he painted a very nasty picture, just a horrible picture of men who were really only obeying orders, but the people who did this were patriots and in many ways that was a great day, a day of love, and we’re going to look into pardoning them from day one.
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And Herod, he called his son Herod Jr, which was a good name, and this son, he was a little wild, but still a good kid, you wouldn’t have caught him with a laptop from hell, no.
At that time Herod Jr had laid hold on John the Baptist, and bound him, and put him in prison for Herodias’ sake, his brother’s wife. For John said unto him, It is not lawful for thee to have her. But when Herod Jr’s birthday was kept Salome the daughter of Herodias danced before them, and it pleased Herod Jr, I think you know what I’m saying. She was pretty hot stuff, maybe not as hot as Ivanka, but still you could see why Herod Jr promised with an oath to give her whatsoever she would ask.
And these very biased gospel writers, they give such soft write-ups to John the Baptist, even though he was eating locusts, which is pretty disgusting, but when Herod Jr cuts his head off for a lap dance, it’s a whole different deal.
Yes, it’s no surprise that Trump’s company declared $300,000 in Bible royalties last year. The Trump Bible is available in multiple editions, including a camouflage cover, which will fit in whether you’re out for a day’s deer hunting or heading into your bunker to defend your constitutional rights against the agents of the New World Order.
Each edition is individually manufactured in China and shipped to your home. Did Jesus himself not say “They have taken my father’s house, which was really generating very little revenue, and turned it into a fantastic marketing opportunity”? Order now, before the price goes up with import tariffs!
